THE THEORY BEHIND REWARDING AND PUNISHING IN RELATIONSHIPS
Rewarding and punishing affects every aspect of a woman’s feeling and attraction toward you – value, investment, and attainability. The reason I’ve included it here in the section on investment is that you’re going to be rewarding or punishing a woman’s actions – and thus, her kind of investment (or, in some cases, her lack of investment). I don’t really like the term “punishing” and what we’re doing with women isn’t exactly that per se, but for the sake of explanation it’s the best term we can use, so I use it here, with some reservation.
The basic premise of rewarding and punishing is that you want to encourage and reinforce things you like and that are good for your interactions that a woman does around you, and discourage things you don’t like and that are bad for your interactions that she does. It is a very simple concept. If a woman does something good, reward her; if she does something bad, discourage it. Except in reality men do not always correctly execute this.
What do most men do when women pout and complain? Most men rush to do whatever it is the woman pouts and complains about wanting them to do. What does a woman learn from seeing a man respond that way to her pouting and complaining? What she learns is, any time she wants something from her guy, all she has to do is pout and complain.
Do you think such a man is likely to see less complaining from his woman after he does what she asks… or more?
The answer’s pretty obvious. People figure out what works, and they use it. In this case, the woman acted in a negative manner, and the man gave her what she wanted. Rather than punish for negative behavior, he rewarded and reinforced it.
In an ideal world, men would reward women who do nice things for them. But do most men do this consistently? Not really. Think of a man whose girl does something really nice for him – she dresses up very nice one day, or cooks him a meal far more extravagant than usual. What does he do? Maybe makes a little comment: “You look great today, baby,” or, “This is a really good meal.” Some guys won’t even go that far. Think she feels like she’s been truly appreciated, or feels a swell of good feelings that might make her want to do it again?
But what if when his girl dressed up, a guy told her she looked absolutely gorgeous and elegant, and told her exactly what he liked about her outfit (the style of the dress or the way her hair was done), then took her passionately to bed? Think she’d want to dress up well for him again?
With an exgirlfriend of mine, when I’d go to her place, she’d cook me really good food. And I wanted to say thank you to her and make her feel good, so I’d take her to bed and give her an amazing night right after. Well, she came to expect this, and I guess reasonably expected that the more and better food she gave me, the better a night she’d get. So one night I came over, and she prepared me an absolute feast. One of the best meals I’d had – really tasty bread as an appetizer with loads of butter, some just amazing chicken, great potatoes, and a giant slab of this decadent chocolate cake for dessert (I have a weakness for desserts), with a few big scoops of ice cream on the side. Afterward, I looked at her and said, “Baby, that was so good, and I’m so full, I’m going to pass right out.” She stared at me and firmly said, “Not yet… not til I get my reward!”
That’s the kind of dynamic you want to be building with women – one based on rewarding good behavior and bringing good feelings and happiness and helping each other feel great into a relationship. It’s how you get women investing themselves and building devotion and developing a personal stake in a relationship.
Rewarding and punishing are absolutely crucial to progressing not only in relationships, but in seduction. If a girl’s getting to know a guy but realizes she can do or say rude and unpleasant things and he just lets it slide, she’ll begin to see him as a weak man and as a man who’s chasing after her, supplicating to her, and trying too hard to get her. In other words, a man like that is letting things pass that a stronger man never would. And, on the flipside, if she feels unappreciated by a man she’s getting to know, she tends to view him as lesser to her and not as a strong man who can make her feel excited, approved of, and safe.
HOW TO REWARD YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR GOOD BEHAVIOUR
There are several ways to reward a woman for behavior you like. The main three are:
- Giving her more attention: focusing your eyes more intently upon her, leaning in more to listen to her, opening your body language, or facing her with more of your body. This is used especially if she says something interesting or very positive in a conversation.
- Complimenting or qualifying her on things you like: It’s good to point out qualities and attributes you like in women. Even if she shows them only intermittently, make sure to compliment her on them when you do see them so you encourage her to show them more frequently. For instance, if a woman seems distracted during the initial part of your first meet, then perks up and gives you more attention, you might tell her a few minutes in, “I like how attentive you are, it’s refreshing.” (note: the reason you wouldn’t tell her immediately is that you don’t want to seem to be reacting to her actions)
- Giving her physical affection or stimuli: if a woman says something engaging, humorous, or does something nice, like buys you a drink or offers you some of her food, always take the opportunity to touch her as you thank her. Touching her does a lot of good things, including letting her know that you really do appreciate her, while communicating that your touch is a good thing and something that is earned through good behavior by her (important later for when you want to become intimate – far better that she views touching you as a reward than as anything else!).
There are others, but those are the three most effective ways of rewarding. Rewarding is something
you need to train yourself to do – most people don’t do this naturally. But it’s just like managers running a business – the best managers don’t just punish when employees make mistakes; they build up and reinforce when employees do a good job. Aim to be a good manager of your relations with women, and those relations will improve dramatically.
HOW TO PUNISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR BAD BEHAVIOUR
Punishing is a bit of a touchy subject. You obviously never want to tell a woman outright that you reward or punish her for her actions – she’ll view you as calculating, and hence manipulative. But you won’t be doing anything here that women don’t do themselves to men. They picked this behavior up through years of socializing and relationships. Eventually it’ll become secondnature to you and no longer something you think consciously about – I personally wouldn’t even define what I do with women anymore as rewarding or punishing, I just tend to get the kind of behavior I want these days – but for now, while you’re still learning this, you’re going to have to consciously reward and punish women’s behavior.
One very important note: punishing must never come off as reactive, and must never come off as overthetop. You do not want to seem to be emotionally affected by a woman’s negative behavior (unless it’s really bad; use your judgment); rather, you want to communicate that you don’t have time for unproductive behavior. The word “punishing” itself is perhaps a little too strong what we’re really doing is discouraging negative behavior.
Below, you have the two primary ways of doing just that:
- Withdrawing attention: when a woman starts behaving negatively – for instance, she starts making overly rude / crude jokes about you, or begins implying that you’re not good enough for her, or starts talking about lots of different men chasing after her – get bored. Give her less of your attention. Let your eyes drift away slightly and glaze over. Slowly lean back in your seat. Let your interest start fading out and pulling away. It’s important to seem subtle and not overly demonstrative – big demonstrations, such as turning one’s back, often come off as overblown and childish, and women will only react to them as entertainment value, rather than the actual fear of losing you. This is especially important as you become more socially adept – once you become more of a social veteran, you must steer yourself toward ever increasing subtlety.
- Being dismissive: when women say things you don’t like, it’s okay to be dismissive and change the topic. For instance, if a woman is telling you about her exboyfriend, then suddenly tells you she thinks all men are pigs, you might reply with something like, “[sigh] Only the ones that live in barnyards. So anyway, what happened after your found out your ex had another girlfriend?” I also call this “steamrolling”, as in, “She started saying things that were moving us in the wrong direction, so I steamrolled them and moved us back onto something more productive.”
Punishing is important just for the sake not only of showing a woman you have limits and discouraging negative behavior from her, but also for keeping things on track. Women can easily be sidetracked by a negative emotion that crops up that may have nothing to do with you – for instance, the two of you may be discussing her past relationships, and she starts talking about a bad former boyfriend, then begins making sweeping negative generalizations about men. That’s something you want to discourage quickly, then thread cut and move on from. Letting her dwell on that will only make her start feeling negatively toward you, so it’s important to discourage it quickly and move in a positive direction.