Throughout this blog I may mention some ‘theory’ about texting (nothing too heavy, promise) which I’ll do my best to explain in this post. If any of the terminology is unfamiliar at any time then please click to the dictionary tab on the menu bar up top.
Wrapping your head around these concepts is important though: it will mean you’ll have an improved understanding of where to use certain messages, and maybe where things haven’t quite gone to plan in the past.
And yes unfortunately you do need to know what text is the right one to send to which girl: all women, and interactions are unique, and must be treated as such.
Get it wrong and it will be like using a sledge hammer to pick a lock; or the textual equivalent of believing all women are the same. Anyone who has ever loved women, kissed them, endeavoured to buy a birthday present for them, will know this is never the case…
The most important concept in Irresistible Texts, and arguably most relationships; is what I refer to as investment.
Investment, in this context, is how much you care about the outcome of something. How much you put into something.
In relationships the ideal scenario would be a 50/50 tussle for investment: a perfect match in terms of how much time you want to spend together, where you see the relationship going, how much you want things to ‘work out’.
So what does this have to do with texts?
Well, just like in other areas of your dating life the key is usually to understand how invested another person is in you; and to mirror their investment.
Let me give you some examples as to why this is important.
Say you meet a lovely girl on your commute and get her number. You drop her a cool and witty text yet she doesn’t reply. It’s not that she didn’t like you, but she had a busy evening when she got home and just forgot all about it. You text her again: this time you sound a little agitated at her lack of response. She recognises your annoyance, and is put off from contacting you again- she decides you may not be the right guy for her, so she decides to leave it. By this stage you feel really disappointed and frustrated: you thought you got on so well. You send another text. She feels freaked out by your intensity and deletes your number. She also probably jokes about this ‘crazy guy’ she met to her friends.
What’s weird is, that it wasn’t that you were incompatible, or that she didn’t like you: but your intensity scared her off.
You’ve been texting a girl for a few days and it seems to be going well. She is responding to all of your messages and you feel excited about your date this Friday. But when Friday night comes around, she cancels, last minute. You text her next week and she replies again: but when you go for the date, no response. You skim back through the messages and realise that whilst you were doing everything to keep the conversation going (that ‘Goodnight snuggle Vixen’ message was a little cringe worthy in hindsight) her replies were, well, a bit crap. Lots of ‘Lol’, ‘haha’ and ‘:) xxx’. Apparently these aren’t the good signs you thought they were, and you slowly realise whilst you were busy entertaining her, she was probably just replying for the sake of replying.
Both these problems are to do with investment: she has not invested as much as you.
There are several factors that influence investment:
- How long you were speaking to her for when you first got the number.
- How long you’ve been in contact in proportion to how much physical time you’ve spent together (face time is always preferable to text time so try to get her to commit to a date quickly).
- How willing she was to give you her number.
- What other guys she has in her life right now.
And there are several ‘warning signs’ of low investment:
- She takes ages to respond
- Her texts are brief and consist more of emoticons than real content.
- She doesn’t make an effort to keep the conversation going.
- She seems to cool off, or doesn’t respond, whenever you suggest meeting in person.If she is behaving in a low investment way, it’s not the end of the world; but it does mean you may need to play the game a little differently.Maybe your date suggestion will be a quick coffee, rather than a day trip to the zoo. You also may want to use more conversational hooks, and if that fails, try teasing her to prompt more of a reaction.High risk messages which are short, punchy and tricky for her to respond to are likely not to go down so well: though sometimes a low investment response can be broken by you being much more direct. So if you’ve been texting for ages- and yet haven’t quite managed to ask her out- then pick up the phone; or send a message a bit like this:
“Am I the only one who’s bored of texting? Conversations always better in real life- let’s try to link up for coffee this week x”
Some numbers are just more solid than others.
Sometimes an interaction that you thought went amazingly well comes to nothing: other times that 30 second pick up you did with the girl at the bus stop, bites ridiculously well.
There are some general rules though which can dictate which numbers are more solid than others. I distinguish between these two kinds of numbers by calling them ‘hot’ or ‘cold’. A cold number is one that is flakier: or harder work to convert into a date.
Some characteristics of cold numbers:
- You may have got a girl’s number in a rush, and only spent a very short amount of time with her.
- She was hesitant to give her number out.
- She gave her number with an excuse: ‘my phone may not work in the UK’ etc.
- She doesn’t always respond.
- She uses lots of low investment ‘lols’, ‘hahaha’s’ and smilies to keep the conversation going.
- She doesn’t ask about you or give any further details about herself.
A hot number on the other hand is much stronger to begin with: and as long as no major screw ups in your Irresistible Texts occur, should convert into a date:
- You met a girl through an existing social circle.
- You spent a long time talking to the girl: maybe even went on an ‘instant date’ then and there.
- You discussed linking up again during your initial meeting.
- She responds relatively quickly and at a decent length.
- She offers you details about her life.
- She asks you questions.So how differently would you treat a hot versus a cold number?If it’s a hot number you’ll probably be able to get her to commit to a date on messages 2-3; a cold number you’ll need to wait until you get enough ‘investment’ from her: that’s ‘signs she’s ready for a date’.If it’s a hot number momentum (we’re coming to that in a second) is slightly less important. You can leave it a little longer before getting in contact. With a cold number if you leave it a week, her interest will probably have cooled to zero.
If it’s a hot number if you want to you can ask for a higher commitment date like a night out, or dinner. If it’s a cold number stick to a quick coffee or after work cocktails.
If it’s a hot number you sometimes need to just play it cool enough; with a cold number you may need to use more connecting and teasing texts to build interest from her… depending on what kind of messages she responds best to.
Remember interactions between a man and a woman need sexual tension to keep the interest going. If there was a huge spark, and a great experience, when you first met- her interest levels are going to stay higher for longer than an interaction that was lukewarm. And you ALWAYS want to go for the date when the proverbial iron is as hot as possible.
So when you’re using my text templates always bear in mind how ‘hot’ the interaction is: and ALWAYS try to go for the date when the interaction is at its peak. Just remember this peak is so often ‘ASAP’; so when you get those ‘buying signs’ that she’s ready for the date GO FOR IT.
No matter how solid the number is, or isn’t, momentum is always fundamental to ensuring you get that date.
As I’ve mentioned before, you’ve got to think of an interaction as having different degrees of ‘warmth’- how strongly connected to a girl you are.
To explain this concept more clearly I’m going to run you through a couple of scenarios:
- How a hot number can become cold
- How a cold number can become hot
Hot to Cold:
You decide to go to a friend’s house party on Saturday. You see a cute girl across the room, who your friend has known since school. You hit it off by teasing her about how much punch she’s drinking: and throughout the night seem to spend most of your time locked into conversation. You get her number early on (you both support Chelsea FC!) and when you leave you think you should have kissed her. You send her a message a few days later (you don’t want to come on too strong) and you get a response fairly quickly. Again you decide to leave it a while before responding. Soon you’re swapping texts every few days and a week passes. You’re not sure if she wants to meet up again so you procrastinate on asking her out- and kind of hope she’ll suggest something to you. Her responses become less frequent. You panic so text more: and break the 1:1 text ratio. Lots of your texts are a little pointless and don’t have a purpose. By the time you really want to ask for the date the number is dead.
Cold to hot:
You see a cute girl waiting to get on a bus and you force yourself to approach. She’s a little taken aback at first, but warms up after the first minute: then her bus comes. You push for a number, and after some hesitation she agrees. You send her something witty later that day, making reference to her bus journey and how random it was meeting her. She responds with a short low investment message the next day. Later that evening you use an assumption to guess about what she’s up to & to try to build more of a connection with her. It works- this time her response is more engaged. You then switch to teasing her and she responds even faster, teasing you back. Recognising the signs that she’s getting more into you: you are direct and state that you think coffee tomorrow after work is a great idea. She agrees…
You may see some of yourself in these scenarios…
When you choose to escalate, your ability to keep the interaction interesting, reacting successfully to her, and going in for the date at the nearest possible opportunity are all key factors influencing why the momentum of the interaction is so important.
What’s better than you getting angry with a girl’s flaky responses? What do you do when she doesn’t respond how you want How do you behave when she becomes cooler towards you. One of the most valuable tools at your Irresistible Texts disposal is space. Sometimes the best action is inaction.
Look back to my Golden Rules section: 6. Mirroring her investment levels are very important. Seem way more into her than she’s into you, and your disproportionate investment will scare her off. Sometimes giving a person space is the best way forward.
Space allows you to:
- Maintain your cool.
- Consider your response.
- Allow her to miss your attention and consider her actions.
- Not appear needy or emotionally volatile.
Some great times to use space would be:
- If she sends a message that doesn’t require a response (‘hahaha’ or ‘Great thanks- have a good day’ are examples of this).
- If she doesn’t reply to you asking for the date.
- If her response to you asking for the date is flaky, mirror her investment levels with an ‘ok rain check! Mad busy over here too…’ then give her space.
- If she’s rude beyond just being playful.Space doesn’t mean you’re never texting her again. It just means you’re giving her a little time to consider her actions before you take this any further. The general rule of thumb is giving a couple of days of space for the first ‘offence’; then for every ‘offence’ after that extend how long she does ‘space time’ for.Being a ‘space cadet’ who is non-needy can be incredibly powerful: when used in the right way. Appear cool, calm and independent through your messages and you always leave the door more open for recontacting using a ping message: than if you fly off the handle.
If you’re thinking, ‘yikes that diagram is making my head hurt’ don’t panic! There are some very simple rules at play here:
- If you get a warm response you are always trying to escalate the interaction. So if you get a positive response you move things in the direction of meeting up in person.
- You focus on setting up the date scenario before you arrange the logistics (more on this later).
- You keep momentum up: and stay in some contact with them until the date has happened.
- If at any stage you don’t get the response you want use ping game to try to re-engage them.
- If their response becomes colder then you can try using connection building/ teasing texts to get their response to a level of warmth where suggesting a date makes sense again.
And that is a basic structure to how all these guidelines and theories may play out in real life.