There are so many theories on attraction depending on whose book you read, and whose work those books have been inspired by.
There are various evolutionary theories on how we have evolved over 1000s of years to seek and respond to certain traits in a mate.
So what causes attraction? There are two sets of factors: External and Internal. The external I refer to as the gravitational pull theory. Let’s take a look at this first.
Let’s start with the obvious. People gravitate to those whom they perceive to have more social value. Simple isn’t it?
The answer to the external version of this is so obvious and yet eludes most of us for so long. I didn’t know what caused attraction between people before I began all of this, and neither did anyone else as far as I could tell. Every time I inquired, regardless of asking college professors or guys who were successful with women, I received unsatisfactory answers. They ranged from “It’s something you just have to feel,” to “Pheromones your body produces have to match hers,” to “depends on astrological signs and how the stars and the moon were lined up when you were born,” to the plain and honest “I don’t know.”
None of these answers were satisfactory to me. I am not going to base attraction upon which solar system and Galaxy was properly aligned or whether E.T happened to cross through that morning, and thus throwing the alignment out of sequence.
Furthermore, “It just happens” sounded like a ridiculous response designed to dismiss self-responsibility and taking charge of one’s own life.
It was as if these people insisted on pushing a square peg through a round hole. None of it helped me understand why a woman would gravitate towards a certain guy and not the next. I use the word gravitate instead of “Attract” to take out the sexual connotation. I do this because it is the external factors that really cross over between the sexes. We, as human beings, gravitate towards those whom we perceive to have more value.
People gravitate upwards, not downwards.
Let’s assume that, you and a group of your friends were sitting at a table in a coffee shop sharing a great time. Would you invite some random guy to join your group? Probably not, unless you were working trying to recruit someone towards your religion or the popular cult of the month, in which case another sucker is always welcomed. Most likely, you would not want the random stranger to sit at your table. Heck, you probably have people you already know whom you wouldn’t want sitting at your table while you are out with friends.
Why would you not want this random stranger to join you? It’s not because you like or dislike him. You are neutral, and furthermore, you have no interest in getting to know him. He is just another person, like the guy behind you in line at the coffee shop, or the person sitting next to you in the bus. They are just random people in your environment.
Now, let’s say a bearded stranger came over and you recognized this bearded man to be Steven Spielberg? Would you mind letting him share your table? Would you and your group of friends then want to “hang out” with this bearded stranger for a few minutes? Most likely.
Keep in mind that you don’t know him and he does not know you. Make no mistake about it: You are perfect strangers. Yet, you’d let him sit with you, perhaps even buy him a drink, and listen attentively to him speak about his projects and inspirations. (More on this issue in the chapter Frame-Control.) Why did you allow Steven Spielberg to join you? This is because of his social value.
The person in the example need not be an entertainer. What if it were the President of the United States? (Who also could be entertaining to watch, though not on purpose.)
I sincerely believe our current president has below average intelligence, but if the secret service walked up to my table and said that the President would like to sit next to you, even I would be interested. After all he is the “Prez” and that is exciting. How often would you let a dimwit sit at your table and join you and your friends?
Once again, why? It is due to his social value.
How can we further define social value? It can be found from the shallow and the superficial to the deep and the spiritual. In most societies, value is determined by social status, power, and money. They are synergistic in many ways because having money or social status equals power. Another concept is that of “Social proof.” Social Proof is what is held in esteem and revered in the eyes of society.
People with fame [celebrities] have extreme social proof. A rock star, a famous actor, a well-known politician and a distinguished professional athlete all have implicit Social proof. Most societies view wealth, status, and class as higher value, but these values are not universal. Look at a small tribal society. They have no banks, no credit cards, no jobs, and they have never even seen paper, let alone how much currency is printed on it. To them, a $100 bill just makes for good toilet paper.
Yet, the leaders of this little tribe are the ones to whom everyone gravitates. It may be the elder chief or your young brave warrior. They are the ones whom everyone admires, envies, and respects. They have the high social value in that particular society. Is value intrinsically defined only by money and fame? No. (Please keep in mind that I am starting with the obvious and shallow to the not so obvious.) It also can be defined by uniqueness. (Remember the word gravitate)
It’s manifested in the way martial arts students look at their teacher with awe and respect. It’s evident in the way a teenage kid worships the basketball star whose posters are plastered all over his wall. It’s the way someone looks at the fabulous artwork or beautiful musical composition of the clichéd starving and broke artist. It’s the way a science student appreciates a lecture by a professor or a thought-leader in the perspective scientific field. It’s the way a Buddhist who has no inclination or reverence towards money worships the ground the Dali Lama walks on and would be willing to wax his limousine with more zeal than the Karate Kid.
Value in our societies is determined through the eyes of society and through the eyes of the subcultures to which we belong.
In the real world, doctors and lawyers are highly respected. Similarly, in the high school subculture the football jocks are revered and respected. Al Bundy might be a pathetic shoe salesman now; in high school, he was King. Those are the variables we deal with depending on our society, country, and subcultures.
As you are reading this, you are probably thinking, “Great. He is telling me if I were a rock star, I’d have no problems meeting women.” Indeed. The answer is simple. That’s exactly what I am telling you: Go become a rock and roll star and your women problems will be solved. Of course, I am joking. The point of this blog is to teach you so you don’t think you have to be a “Rock star.” These examples are simple and obvious to give you a general conceptual understanding before I break it into more details. (I should also mention that at times I use celebrities in my examples and analogies to illustrate a point and make them painstakingly obvious.)
What’s the common thread between the people above? They have all distinguished themselves in contrast to everyone else. Whether it’s the rock star, the football jock, or the martial arts teacher, they are all separating themselves from the next guy in line.
I am not telling a secret.
We all realize this, but we walk away with the wrong impression. While I am in favor of distinguishing oneself, I want you to understand that we have been raised to believe that we can only distinguish ourselves through money and social value. We observe the way a pretty woman gravitates towards a rich man and make the association that we must do the same in order to attract her.
These beliefs are oppressing us.
For so long, we have associated desirable women with social value that our brains have produced these counterproductive and vicious belief systems. If you are going to distinguish yourself, do it through your belief system and attitude. Your beliefs are the most powerful entity you possess. Up until this moment, you have not even realized it.
There are also ways you distinguish yourself in your interaction with women that do not require you to have fame and wealth. (On this blog you’ll find posts dedicated to conveying personality, and storytelling, you’ll find techniques on how to be more interesting and captivating. For now, let’s get back to the basics.)
If a movie star like George Clooney walked into a social gathering, he would not have too many problems meeting and interacting with women. After all, he has the classical good looks, confidence, seems intelligent and is wealthy. The fact that he is an international movie star probably does not hurt his chances either.
Women will flock to him and guys would want to befriend him. (Heck, even some of the guys would want to sleep with him, but that would require a whole different post, perhaps written by Elton John.) How does this help you? After all, you are not George Clooney and you don’t have his fame and wealth.
It illustrates (and we are arriving at the not-so-obvious part of the post) what is called sub-communication. There are qualities, mannerisms, and behavioral patterns that guys who are successful with women possess which make them attractive. You too can learn to internalize and sub-communicate the same characteristics and attributes. These traits will become a natural part of you. You can be rich and still not be very good at attracting women. The attributes play a part in this as well.
Why did I mention this particular actor?
The following may shock you: It is because even if George C. were not a movie star, he’d still experience a great deal of success in his dating life. Why? Because he possess the attributes. Have I met this man? No. However, the attributes are rather obvious. By the time you are finished on this site, you too will completely understand what the attributes are. Soon, you’ll be able to spot them very easily. With enough experience, you’ll meet a man and within five minutes, you will know if he is able to successfully meet women or not. It is that simple. When someone possesses these attributes, their attitude and behavior manifests itself in a distinct manner. It becomes rather easy to spot.
Conversely, I have come across many guys who are successful in their careers, and yet, they are not very skillful in attracting women. The biggest surprise to me was when I met a gentleman who is a lead singer of a well known rock band. Of course I will withhold his name, but I will share the story. This gentleman simply had problems attracting women he desired. Obviously, there were some who’d recognize him from his career and be attracted to his social status but many women were not attracted to him. This further played into his insecurities as he now despised the fact that a woman may not really like him for who he is, but rather for what he is and his status.
Imagine my dismay and awe towards this situation: “A rock singer who does not have women literally hanging on him? You gotta be kidding me.” Those were my thoughts upon encountering this bizarre situation. So why didn’t this singer attract and keep the company of the type of women desired? The answer is simple: He did not possess the attributes.
Another real life example:
Brief background: I live in Southern California where there is no shortage of attractive women. I also live in a “Beach community” which tends to attract an outgoing and outdoorsy type of crowd. Most people would conclude that a great deal of money and a nice beach house would equal women in this scenario.
What if I were to tell you that I know a 40-year-old gentleman who is an average looking fellow, but he owns a 4.5 million dollar house on the beach. (This is not an exaggeration by any means. In fact, by the time you read this post his house probably will have become worth well over 4.5 million.) What if I also were to tell you that this gentleman with this elegant house owns an expensive sports car and a yacht as well? He also hosts great parties in this ocean front property in Southern California. You’d surely conclude that he leads a life that would leave most men envious. After all, look at the tremendous amount of social value he has amassed. Surely, he has so many women in his life that he must be fighting them off with a stick. What if I were to tell you that this man could not meet, attract, date, and keep the company of desirable women? What if I were to tell you that this man could not really attract or inspire any women to be with him for any period of time? What if I were to tell you that twice a year this man travels to 3rd world countries to enjoy the company of prostitutes? What if I were to tell you that what I just said is a very true story about a man I know who lives a 10-minute drive away from me?
You’d think it was pathetic and you’d be right. I’d say it’s rather sad.
The above is a real story about a very real person. I actually have been to a couple of his parties.
This gentleman, whom we’ll refer to as “Dweeb,” simply does not possess the qualities and attributes to attract women. Furthermore, his money has led him to a level of arrogance where he is not open to receiving advice from those who could actually help him. On the other side of this social-value token, we find my friend Cyrus who is the same age as Dweeb. Cyrus and I have been friends for a few years now as he also lives in this neighborhood. Cyrus does not own a house. He rents an apartment. He also does not own any yachts, name brand clothing or upper class furniture.
Although he has settled down now, Cyrus has slept with 100s of women. On top of that, he has dated women who have been featured in magazines such as Playboy and Penthouse. If that were not enough, he has had good-looking women pay for his airfare to fly to see them. How can this phenomenon occur in our universe? After all, look at how much material possessions Dweeb has accrued. He definitely has a lot of social value.
It’s simple. Cyrus possesses internal qualities that are attractive to women. He induces and generates an emotional response in women. He triggers an emotional response that the gentleman with the 4.5 million dollar house is not able to do.
Contrary to Cyrus, Dweeb bought into all of the external value society instilled upon him, Meanwhile, he neglected the internal belief system and self-image that naturally attracts women.
You maybe asking yourself, “How do I distinguish myself? How do I trigger these responses?”
Maybe you live in a small town, maybe you work as computer programmer, or maybe you work behind the desk all day in an office somewhere.
Irrespective of your background or profession, you can acquire these attributes. Any man who is committed can acquire these traits. Distinguishing yourself comes in the outer and inner form. The outer form might be social proof, the expensive clothes you wear, and so forth. This is the part that Dweeb above has concentrated on all this time. The inner form is what eludes most people. It is the mannerism, and body language, the belief system, and the reality a distinguished person usually possesses.
You do not have to be a movie star to have these characteristics. You do need to instinctively understand what they are and how these characteristics can you set you apart from the others before you even open your mouth to say a single word. Understand this: The mere fact that you posses these attributes will place you in a special class and will already make you a unique person. Most men out there do not possess these attributes. Possessing these attributes will separate you from 80% of the men out there. Attraction is not a logical thing. It happens on an emotional level and we usually don’t have a choice about it.
If you browsed through a magazine full of supermodels, would you decide to be attracted to them? Or would you turn to a page, see one of these supermodels, feel that impulse of attraction in your gut and say, “Wow!!!!!”? It works in the same manner for women; except for women, it’s not so much about physical appearance. Men are much more into physical looks than women are. Women are mostly attracted by the characteristics of a man.
If you can posses these attributes and appeal to women on an emotional level, they will find you attractive.
You must appeal to women emotionally. A rocket-scientist might have impeccable social value due to his job. Henceforth, men and women will respect him. In fact, people will value his feedback on rocketry, astrophysics and astronomy. However, this does not usually translate to emotional attraction. This man can do wonders in stimulating the logical brain, but once again, attraction happens on an emotional level.
If that same rocket-scientist were to read and understood this post, he’d gain the attributes that would transform him into a person who appeals to women emotionally.