What is confidence? I have looked in dictionaries and noticed a variety of definitions. I like mine the best. My personal definition of confidence: Removal of uncertainty, combined with an inner peace and harmony that facilitate a strong and powerful belief system. Once you remove uncertainty, what you are left with is certainty, a belief system that is void of doubt. You have confidence.
Some of the people who take our live in-field programs are successful in business or academics. Some are accountants, business owners, and believe it or not, even doctors. One of our program attendees was a specialty doctor, a dermatologist.
Clearly, this single dermatologist in his early 30s has great social value in our society, because he is an accomplished person. He makes a good living at an occupation that is respected by almost all people in the world. Yet, he has trouble meeting the kind of women he desires.
Much like the rocket scientist in my previous example, the dermatologist is not appealing to women on an emotional level. He appeals on a logical level. They love to ask him endless frivolous questions about their skin and proper treatments. He also makes a decent living and is respected in our culture.
Sometimes, this could translate into emotional attraction but it is rare. Emotional attraction is what triggers that animal magnetism. So what is the main ingredient this gentleman is lacking?
He was missing perhaps the most important single ingredient when it comes to success with women: Confidence. There is tremendous appeal in being confident. There is something magnetic and attractive about it. Men who are successful with women have confidence. Those who are not usually do not have confidence. It is that simple. Confidence also helps move people on an emotional level. Being a doctor is definitely appealing on a logical level, but confidence is the secret ingredient that appeals on an emotional level. Attraction works on an emotional level. Always remember that. The issue of confidence is a similar conundrum to the cliché “which came first, the chicken or the egg.” In order to be successful with women, you need confidence. Yet, in order to ascertain a certain amount of that confidence, you need to be successful with women. Thus, how do you go about gaining confidence?
There are various ways to accomplish this, and it’s different for everyone. Listed below are four methods that I have witnessed people using to gain confidence.
- Confidence that stems from competence
- Confidence that stems from a well-rounded life
- Confidence that is gained through knowledge and know-how
- Letting go of the past
Let us break these down further:
Confidence that stems from competence: acquire competence and attain confidence.
This is the kind of confidence that simply comes from doing. You may be afraid to jump in to the pool the first time. If you do it twenty times, you will not have much fear on the twenty-first time.
If you actually did the jumps, you’d gain more confidence with every dive.
Pretty soon, you’ll be daring enough to do cannonballs, back flips, and summersaults. Constant repetition is one of the philosophies that Erik shared with me.
You approach enough times and you gain confidence to do it without problem or too much hesitation. This has to do with the shattering of your self-limiting beliefs. Your brain has no logical fear of approaching a woman in a bar. If you simply smiled and said “Hi” to a girl, what’s the worst that could happen?
There are no physical or financial consequences.
The worst that may happen is that she’ll dismiss you and continue talking to her friends. Yet, I have met guys who have gone through military training and boot camps with drill sergeants screaming profanities in their faces, who are hesitant to approach a woman.
Why? Due to self-limiting beliefs. These are rooted in self-doubt. Doubt from negative self-thoughts. “Maybe I am not good enough, maybe I am not good looking enough, I don’t make enough money,” and so forth.
By the mere acting of doing, (approaching women, or jumping in the pool), you cut off the negative feedback loop in your brain and reinforce it with a positive feedback loop. You approached (or jumped in the pool), said something and you survived your fear. You approached someone else, spoke for a short while and you survived again.
Your brain restructures its belief system to gradually diminish the fear and doubt. Soon, instead of being upset with yourself and experiencing doubt, you will find yourself in a journey of self-discovery and learning. I can teach anyone to shoot a basketball properly in a relatively short amount of time. Will that person become a proficient shooter after a mere few hours? No.
However, if he steps on the court and shoots a hundred shots three times a week, he will improve drastically. Should this person kick himself every time he misses a shot? Of course not. After all, this is a journey and a process that he is going through. And similarly, as you shoot, you’ll find yourself not being afraid of missing, but rather enjoying the process.
Confidence from having a well rounded life: “Dude: Get a life!”
Frequently guys whom I meet forget to strike a balance and concentrate on other aspects of their careers and goals.
Having a balanced life, being successful, and having clear goals and objectives can be a source of inner-confidence and inner-strength.
A well-balanced life implies partaking in different hobbies and endeavors. I’ve met men who spend five hours a day playing video games and men who work twelve hours a day. Both are examples of extremist behavior. Upon hearing me bring attention to this issue, people become defensive. The usual response tends to be, “Well, maybe that’s what they want.” The real answer, however, is that it is not what they want.
The guy playing video games for 5 hour a day will endlessly complain about the lack of women in his life. Yet, he won’t even get out of the house to go meet a few real, (i.e. not computer animated) people.
Being versatile and multidimensional will serve you well, not only in meeting women, but life.
One of the important components in feeling better about your self is physical activity. Make goals on how you can improve your life over all. If you are overweight, it might serve you well to join a gym and work out a few times a week. Please understand the reasoning behind this. The reason is not merely because women would find you sexier with a leaner body. While this may be true, it is not the genesis of this idea. It is because losing that extra weight, sticking to a somewhat disciplined weight lifting/cardio program, accomplishing those goals and witnessing those changes will be a great source of confidence and inner strength.
There are overweight guys who are successful with women. They are confident, sure of themselves and have that “I don’t give a damn” attitude. In my experience, such guys are rare. Most guys with similar profiles are not happy with themselves or confident to begin with, and women can smell this like sharks smell blood in water.
Something I highly recommend to most guys is the Martial Arts. Personally, I train in Muay-Thai kickboxing and Jujitsu and could not over emphasize and recommend doing martial arts enough. It would be difficult to put the richness of the experience in words, as it is something that must be experienced. If you are reading this post, have the time and the means to participate in a serious martial art (where live sparring is involved), and are not doing so, you are cheating yourself.
I have buddies who have always expressed an interest in taking a martial arts class, but have never enrolled in one.
Similarly, some of you reading this will find yourself interested in taking some sort of a martial arts class. However, to be fair, you may be know little about where to start, and what style to choose.
- My general recommendations are the following:
- A good Jeet Kune Do School that cross trains in various ranges of combat (Stand-up, Grappling, and so forth)
- A quality kickboxing or Muay Thai kickboxing gym
- A good Brazilian JuJitsu studio
- The above schools all incorporate sparring/wrestling with a live and resisting partner.
Avoid classical Karate schools that spend countless hours teaching you forms [Katas] and have you punching the air with one hand on your hip. If you are currently attending one of those air-punching schools, I invite you to attend one of the aforementioned schools for a few weeks to try something different. You may live in a very small town that does not offer such programs. In such a case, I recommend you go to a regular boxing gym. You should be able to find one of those almost any place.
Another factor that helps distinguish you: Being unique or skilled at something. Being unique, skilled, and knowledgeable at something makes you a far more interesting person. If you can play an instrument well, or you are a good painter, writer, author, or you are knowledgeable about certain subjects; you can use it to your advantage in distinguishing yourself from others. (These are all endeavors that are also artistic so they trigger an emotional response.)
This can be a source of confidence for you.
One of my buddies is a martial arts teacher who teaches at the local gym. At times, he has women volunteering their phone numbers at the end of training. He is in a position of authority, he is teaching them something, and is demonstrating high social value by doing so. More importantly, he is in a position of power, and that’s attractive. There is something about power that generates an emotional response in human beings. (I also should add that he is a very confident guy and it’s apparent in his demeanor.)
This is part of having a balanced life. My friend does not teach martial arts as a “schtick” to pick up women. It’s one of his passions in life. It’s something that helps define him, distinguish him, gives him an identity, and makes him feel good about himself. He is not wealthy. If you ask him for gourmet, he’ll probably take you to “In’n’Out Burger” in Los Angeles, but he is skilled at something. He is supremely confident and it creates that emotional appeal. Women accept that and are receptive to it.
The same thing applies to many personal trainers at your local gym. Being in a position of authority that allows you to teach someone a certain skill or knowledge is very powerful. You know best what your hobbies are, so make time to follow through with them. I have a vast range of friends so I am fortunate to observe a spectrum of different activities. These range from the previously mentioned Martial Arts and body building to singing, playing the guitar/drums, Yoga, surfing, hang gliding, skydiving, riding motorcycles, surfing, bicycling, traveling, and even being wine connoisseurs. These leisurely pursuits are not only a source of enjoyment. They also assist in the expansion of their social circles and facilitate the meeting of like-minded individuals.
Being successful and achieving goals:
Success is a very subjective term. Only you know your personal definition and application of it.
It may range from the career and financial oriented to the family and spiritual oriented. Whatever the case may be, I encourage you to discover the reasons as to what you seek and why you seek it. (The reason as to why you seek it is very pertinent, as you will discover in the Social conditioning post.)
Take out a few sheets of paper and a pen.
List your broad goals and objectives on this first sheet by time increments. For example, List where you want to be
10 years from now, 5 years from now, 1 year from now, 6 months from now. If you are really goal oriented and meticulous, you may choose to break it down to even smaller time increments.
Take out a second sheet of paper and write down what you would be doing if money were not an object. Do this now before you continue reading any further. If you had enough money and did not need to have a job, what would you do? Perhaps you’d travel around, or maybe you’d become a musician. Whatever it is, list it on the sheet. Feel free to list as many points as you like. Compare the two sheets. How much crossover is there between what you have set out to do versus what you really desire to do?
Go back to the first [Objectives and goals] sheet. Write down WHY you have set out these goals. There could be a myriad of reasons. List them. Now, go to the second [money is not an issue] sheet, and list WHY YOU ARE NOT doing the things you truly would want to do. It is crucial for all of us to realize what our underlying reasons for doing things are. This will help you understand your desires and motivations better. (Further covered in Identity and beliefs post.)
If you are not doing what you want to do, ask yourself why. It is a strong possibility that the answer is “Hey man, I gotta pay my bills.” That’s a fair assessment and I understand the dilemma.
However, the need to pay your bills and rent need not take your focus away from the things that produce happiness in your life.
Let me give you some real life examples of people I know. One of my girl friends, Kristi, loves to travel. She wants to see the whole world and is not content just living in the United States. At the time, she worked in a measly job that did not pay her much, but enough to pay her rent and bills. However, her desire to travel fueled her motivation to look for alternative ways. She came across something that captivated her. She learned that she could teach English in China for a six-month period and earn $20 an hour. (Keep in mind that the average salary where she’d be living would be around $400 a month, so the cost of living is very low.) She learned that she could work about twenty hours a week teaching English, and still be able to save money.
What did Kristi do? She packed her bags and left to go to China for almost a year. She absolutely loved the experience.
Why do I mention this to you? What should you take away from my friend’s journey? Understand what allowed her to even find out that such an opportunity existed: It was because she was focused on traveling and looked into the possibilities. When you focus on something and look into the possibilities, you will discover, and sometimes stumble upon, new ways and methods.
There is a good chance why you came across this post. You looked into the possibility of improving your life and social skills and it opened new doors. Another friend of mine works a corporate job but loves to play the guitar. In fact, he and I have talked many hours about Rock and Roll music from various decades. Though he worked a corporate job with a bunch of stiff corporate types, he finally looked into the possibility of having his own band.
Today, he still works that corporate job from nine to five. On the weekends, he plays local gigs and venues with his band that allows him to express his artistic side. He is far happier than he used to be. He was able to do this because he did not allow his mundane job to steal his focus. He looked into the possibility of having his own band. What I want to impress upon you is looking into the possibilities of how you can incorporate pursuing the activities you truly enjoy.
Confidence from Knowledge:
You can also gain confidence from having knowledge regarding any issue. I am certain some of you are well versed in different subjects, and you can authoritatively discuss these very topics.
If you are rather clueless about a certain topic, whether it’s open-heart surgery or under water basket weaving, you’d feel uncomfortable in engaging in a friendly debate or discussions based around these subject matters.
By gaining knowledge, you increase confidence.
Confidence is one of the biggest issues we deal with at our workshop.
We are confident in that there is not a single other workshop out there that teaches confidence and its value. If you read our reviews and testimonials, you’ll see that we don’t just teach canned pickup lines and gimmicks.
Our sincere goal is to have the students deconstruct their old belief system and create new ones that’d enrich their lives.
Understanding the foundation of your beliefs:
Have you ever wondered what it is that causes one guy to approach 20 women in a matter of a few hours, while you are still too nervous to approach even one?
There are a few different reasons for this. Part of it, obviously, is the feeling of rejection that hits us at the center of our manhood.
Having talked to many different women, I have found that most of them are clueless about how much approach-anxiety MOST men experience. They operate under the assumption that, “If a guy likes me, he would just come and talk to me.” We have had workshops students that have served in the military, who have been tormented by a yelling drill sergeant and put the through the ringer. They are still terrified by the thought of approaching a strange woman. How much meaning and emphasis do you put on the interaction? If you sit down and think about it, you will find that you give much more meaning and emphasis to this simple interaction than it deserves.
You are a cool, confident, and well-groomed man who is interesting in meeting a new woman. So you see a woman and you walk up and talk to her. It’s really that simple, correct? Unfortunately, we put so much meaning on this interaction. We make it appear to mean more than it really does. People start thinking it’s because of their looks (or lack there of), their bank account, their car, their background, or in what part of town they grew up.
It’s none of that.
There may be a plethora of reasons as to why she is not interested in talking to you in that moment in time. Perhaps if you had met her the day before, or if you had met her the next day, she would have interested in chatting. Maybe she just broke up with someone, or maybe she is even psychotic. Who knows? Who cares??? Don’t put the onus on yourself. You should not base the value of your identity and worth on the fact that a girl did not want to talk to you or accept your request for a date.
D. Letting go of the past.
This is the most important ingredient in gaining confidence. You must change your belief system and you will see this point throughout this website. (Remember “Dweeb” from my previous post? He has his mansion, yacht, and sports car, and still cannot get or keep a woman. Your belief system is your most prized possession when it comes to dating and attracting. I will repeat it again.)
I have an acquaintance that is insecure to this day because he feels like he is ugly. Why does he think this? Because seven years ago, when he was in high school, his girlfriend told him that she was not really attracted to him. Sure, they had been dating for a while, but she was never really physically attracted to him.
He translated that as meaning that he is ugly. Since then, he has had a complex about it and still has one today. He is not willing to deal with this baggage from the past. His stubbornness won’t allow him to resolve it. The point is that when you carry the baggage of the past it affects you in the future. I have another acquaintance that was engaged. They had even set a date to get married, invite everyone over, the works….
A few months before the wedding, their relationship went sour and they experienced a bitter breakup. What did this translate into for this guy? Pain! A lot of pain. None of us can blame him for being in pain, being hurt, and angry. However, how long should he carry that burden on his back? What is it going to cost him? Will he be apt to step into a relationship with any girl even if she is the greatest woman in his mind? Probably not! Why? Because he is carrying that baggage from that last relationship. He might date ten more women and never move beyond a certain intimacy point because of what happened before.
You may find yourself in the situation of having had terrible results with women when you were younger. It may even be that you have not had physical intimacy with a woman in years. That is in the past. You cannot change the past, but you can stop letting it bring you down. You have taken action to get results and you have opened new doors of possibility. You don’t have to be bitter or upset. Being bitter means that you are still letting past issues affect you. You are letting it go because you are looking forward towards the future. You are going to be successful and you are going to be the kind of guy who realizes his self-worth and values himself. Others will take notice. There is nothing stopping you from having what you want in the future as long as you take action. If there is one thing that will stop you, reflecting on the past and thinking about what happened with this or that person.
It’s important to realize this. Don’t allow past perceived failures to affect your future when it comes to meeting women.
Perhaps you approached 10 women and last week, and got nothing out of it. So what? The woman sitting next to you right now could be potentially your next girlfriend. You two might be fantastic for each other, and make each other very happy…
Don’t let those 10 women of last week paralyze your ability to approach this new girl. Stop giving ridiculous meaning to these events. If you walked up to a girl tomorrow and she was not interested, it does not mean that you are not attractive, it does not mean that you are not deserving. It does not mean that you are not good enough.
It means nothing!! Do not give these interactions meanings.
Look at how much value you have placed on the failures of the past. What has that gotten you? Where has it gotten you? What happened in the past means nothing. This is a difficult concept to internalize. I struggled with it for quite a while myself. There is no time statute on the issue of past. Whether it was 10 years ago, or 10 days ago, it has nothing to do with the girl you are about to talk to 5 minutes from now. What the past has done is fill you with negative beliefs that you carry on your shoulder like a bag of bricks.
Whatever happened with girls in the past, happened in the past. Understand this.
We educate men on this issue and more in our workshops along with tactics, proper body language, and tactical skills. Having new knowledge of female/male interactions combined with a system of new beliefs is what leaves our students feeling empowered to go out there, approach and have success with women. As a result of our effective methods, we receive positive testimonials and referrals for which we are grateful.
read every word, nice article.
this article resonated with me. you mentioned that the guys who are successful with women have confidence. this is my problem. although i’m actually a good looking guy, my confidence isn’t where it needs to be. and that’s probably why i’m usually not too successful with women. that being said, it seems like the vast majority of guys lose their confidence around women they’re interested in, and that ruins their chances with the girl/woman they like.
another thing that really hit home was “letting go of the past”. that’s another thing i need to work on. there’s been times when I would work up my courage to ask a girl for her phone number, and she’d give me her REAL number, and then never respond to my texts/calls. so then that would crush me and i wouldn’t have the motivation to approach again for a very long time.
question: how do you get girls/women to chase/pursue you? i’ll elaborate.
obviously, guys are the ones who pursue women. they’re basically trying to win over a woman’s approval. sometimes, i can get a girls phone number and she’ll respond when I TEXT HER, but usually it fizzles out and doesn’t amount to anything. in other words, her interest level in me is usually low. i’m trying to figure out how i can raise a woman’s interest level in me—-so that i have her CHASING ME.