Im going to reveal here on of the most powerful tools in overcoming Approach Anxiety that we have found to date. NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming, a system that was devised regarding how the human brain works by Richard Bandler and his partner John Grinder. It’s an effective method to tap into subconscious. Some of its concepts are based on the work done by famed hypno-therapist, Milton Erickson.
One of the concepts I learned in NLP was the association a human brain makes regarding pain and pleasure. I am not an NLP junkie, but this is one of the fundamental concepts that NLP teaches and I think you can use it to your advantage. It is also the basis for what Tony Robbins teaches. NLP is a very effective method for motivating yourself to do the things you really desire but don’t seem to be able to do. Approach Anxiety is a prime example of where something like this may be useful.
The fundamental belief of NLP is that everything we do in life is inspired by the pursuit of pleasure and the need to avoid pain.
Whether you want to make lots of money, go traveling around the world, have beautiful women in your life, or go around the world helping underprivileged children, you do so because it makes you feel good.
Mother Theresa did not go around helping people because it made her feel terrible. She did so because it made her feel good. What do you associate pain and pleasure to? Example: Approaching a woman.
As I said earlier, women are clueless about how difficult it is for men to approach them. Most women have their own issues going on in their heads. Whatever insecurities you have, multiply it by at least three and that’s your average woman.
Whether it’s losing their looks, their biological clock is ticking and they have not found the right man yet, they are not as good looking as they want to be, or they are 3.14 pounds over weight because they had a slice of pie for lunch, they have their insecurities. (By the way, if you got that pie joke and are laughing too hard, stop. It was a test.)
The reality is that most women are absolutely clueless about your fear of approach.
Men are terrified to approach. Why? Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. This fear makes them think they are not good enough and hurts the male ego at the core level. If you could change the association your brain makes with approaching, you could change your behavior. Do not focus on the negative.
Focus on the positive. The positive is that you might meet a new girl who makes you happy, you could meet a girl who just might be your next girlfriend. At the very least you made a new contact that will increase your social circle. Even if she is a complete jerk and tells you to “Get lost,” you will learn something from the approach and the interaction. Thus, even getting shut down is not a bad thing, because you LEARNED something from it. Learning something is positive. Hey, it’s all positive!
During the period when I was going out constantly (mentioned in the preface of the book,) I learned to re-associate approaching. I received more pain from not approaching than I did from approaching. Weird, eh?
How did that happen? At the time, I didn’t even know about NLP concepts and hadn’t realized what I had done until a while later. How did I receive more pain from not approaching? Well, what’s the worst that could happen if I approached? She might not be interested and I’d have to just move on.
On the other hand, if a cute girl caught my eye and I did not approach, I’d be mad at myself. That could have been the coolest girl I had met that week. She could have been just the right girl. (The more you go to the nightclubs and bars, the more you’ll discover that there are slim- pickings. Quality is rare in these places.) This could have been that rare occasion where a quality girl set foot in a bar and I missed the opportunity to go over and make her mine! I’d be upset and mad at myself.
So what did I just do? The feeling of disgust and disappointment gave me more pain than did the actual approach.
Henceforth, the cost of not approaching was greater than that of approaching. This is just one example. Obviously, it does not just pertain to approaching girls. You can use this methodology to change anything in your life that you see fit.
How about fitness? How about keeping yourself in good physical shape so that you not only feel better about yourself, but so that you can live a happier, healthier and longer life?
If you are currently not partaking in any physical activity, it’s mostly due to the fact that you are focusing on the wrong things.
I am going to veer off topic for a moment to discuss physical fitness and health. You are probably focusing on the fact that there is physical pain involved. You’ll have to sweat, endure running out of breath, exerting strenuous force to push plates of steel, etc. Well, who the heck wants to go to the gym if you focus on that?
Focus on the good things that the gym will bring you. Center your attention on the way you will feel after a great work out. Concentrate on the way you feel emotionally and psychologically when you are participating in a physical exercise program. Think about the way you feel better about yourself when you look in the mirror when you look the way you want to look.
Focus on the way you feel GREAT when you see the progress you have made; the sense of accomplishment and the pride it awards you. Imagine yourself in the ideal body. Imagine you glance in the mirror and it reflects the ideal body, whatever your conception of ideal is.
How does that make you feel? This is something that Arnold constantly did. If you read his bodybuilding autobiographies or watch/read his interviews, you will see that he constantly discussed imagery. He imagined himself the way he wanted his body to look and pursued that goal. It’s unlikely that Arnold studied NLP but his methodology was the same. He visualized something, got that rush of positive emotion and good feelings and that motivated him to push harder.
If you focus on those things, you will be much more inclined to go to the gym. Figure out what is right for you and how often you need to do it, and then do so.
Again, I’ll emphasize that the value of being fit does not merely lie in physical attraction. While that does hold true, the greater value is the way you will feel about yourself. Fitness will make you feel better physically, emotionally, and mentally. Back to the issue of approaching women and changing your belief system. Socializing and being able to talk to people should be a natural part of your life. Approach anxiety should not be.
Think about the cost:
What is it costing you to not be doing the right things you think you ought to be doing? (This is not just about going to the gym. It’s about everything in your life.) What is it costing you to sit home and play hours of video games? At the end of the week, how much pleasure has it brought you to make it to level 10 and beat the grandmaster of that level in the game? How much pleasure have you derived from controlling imaginary characters to play a sport on the TV controlled through a joystick? How much pleasure would it bring you to have the company of a woman (or women) you desire? Which do you value more?
What’s it costing you to watch absolute garbage on “Reality TV”? What’s it costing you to watch some imbecile compete for $25,000 by eating horrific creatures like worms and maggots out of a bowl? Sometimes, I look at this and think that the only thing more asinine and moronic than sitting in a tub of live crawling worms, is wasting your life WATCHING someone do it on TV. At least the idiot on TV has a chance to make money!!
Unless you are a standup comedian who is watching this to derive material from, (in which case it’d be considered work), move on and do something that benefits YOU! Again, there is plenty of room in your life for entertainment but strike a balance.
The Price vs. The Cost:
This is a perspective that I learned in sales. What is the price of an item? What is the cost?
Let’s say you were to buy a car. Car 1 is priced at $10,000. Car 2 is priced at $7,000. They are pretty similar automobiles.
Car 2 is the better price, obviously. However, what is it costing you in the long run? Car 1 will be maintenance free, while car 2 will cost you another 10,000 dollars in nagging repairs over the next two years.
The cost, therefore, is: Car 1: $10,000
Car 2: $17,000
(By the way, if you happen to be in sales, use that analogy to close a few extra deals compliments of me.) Besides that, think about what the costs of your actions are?
(Let’s use the fitness example once more.) The price of going to the gym: 1 hour per day. What’s the cost of not going to the gym? What’s it going to cost you to not have all the benefits that you could be getting from the gym?
Plus we already discussed that there is no pain! There is only pleasure that arrives from physical exercise. Exercise is good.
You feel good about yourself psychologically. You feel a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. You feel better physically. You have more energy and vigor. Your heart and lungs function better. You will even perform better sexually. And since you are developing attributes that will attract women, you had better refresh in this area as well!!
You feel better emotionally from all of the endorphins your body releases. There are only positive experiences and good feelings from exercise. Similarly, there are only positive experiences and learning involved from approaching women.
This is also a very effective method for killing your bad beliefs. Sometimes we have clients who feel very nervous about doing an approach because they simply do not believe that the woman will like them. These clients often report to feel approach anxiety on a whole other level. They concoct all sorts of stories [excuses] in their heads as to why this is so. They may feel that they are not good looking enough, that their hairline is receding, and so forth. This negative belief system causes them to fail in attracting women and this failure further reinforces the bad belief system. A vicious cycle is created.
If you identify with some of these people, then I want you to link pain to your belief system. When you feel alone, desperate, confused and sad, turn your anger towards that negative belief system. Understand that the negative belief system has created this loneliness, anguish, and pain.Breaking that negative belief system will result in the removal of these negative feelings and failures.A positive outlook and positive outcomes will replace them.
- Our actions are driven by the pursuit of pleasure and avoiding pain.
- What do you currently associate pain and pleasure to?
- How can you restructure yourself so that you attach pain and pleasure differently to those experiences?
- What is it that you think you should be doing?
- What is it costing you to not be doing that?
- How much pain is it causing you to not be doing the things you think you should be doing?
- Take action! Doing what you want to do will bring you pleasure and take away the pain of the cost of not doing so.
You can save years in your journey if you clarify your dating goals.
- What are your goals in your dating life? How will you know when you are there?
- What kind of girls or women do you seek? What qualities are most important to you?
- What is your ideal? Do you seek a good girlfriend or wife? Do you want a reality where you want to date several women simultaneously? Do you just want a lot of one-night stands?
- What is the order of importance regarding your goals? To clarify further, once you start attracting more women, what is it that you want to accomplish?
- Write down the actions you must take in order to achieve the success you want. Write down the new believe you MUST have.
- Now, write down all the positive benefits that you will receive in your life from taking these steps. What benefits will you receive? How will they make your life better? How will you feel when you have it?
- Write down the old negative beliefs/stories/excuses that you had in your head. (Be sure to include the negative beliefs regarding approaching women.)
- Write down how those old beliefs have brought you pain and misery.
- Finally, write down what will it cost you to not take action? What will it cost to not take steps to change those beliefs?
for me, if i have a crush on a girl that i work with or have a class with, i’m actually pretty relaxed and non nervous around her. i think its because i have familiarity with these girls
but if i have to do a “cold approach” such as approaching a woman who doesn’t know me at a bar, or at the gym or at the grocery store…….its a lot more difficult for me.
i just have to learn how to “break the ice”. in other words, the hardest part for me is just finding something to say to START a conversation with a woman i like. once i’m able to find something to say to “break the ice” and she responds positively to it—-i’m able to carry on the conversation without being a nervous wreck