As far as men are concerned, sexual confidence is basically all about embracing your birthright of pleasure and allowing yourself the freedom to experience mucho good vibes with the female of the species to whatever degree suits you… unliberated joy that must be welcomed without guilt, shame or inhibition.
One of the biggest obstacles to achieving such a fulfilling sex life is being held back by a body image issue that you somehow have come to view with shame. Shame, as I discussed extensively in my first book, is a BIG killer of all things good in life. And a lot of people have a lot of shame attached to them, and especially to their sexuality. No mystery there… via the mechanisms of religion, popular culture and even codified law, society has historically used sexual shame to manipulate the behavior of people in ways that serve what they somehow believe to be the greater good. This might be acceptable to some extent in order to control the really dark nature of some individuals, but remember that there is a price to pay for this kind of domestication. And sometimes the price can be the ability to enjoy your erotic ride here on earth to the extent that you should be able.
It can be an informative exercise to do a complete self assessment once in a while by standing naked before a mirror and confronting the reality of the physical impression you make on women. Try to remain objective and free of the ususal illusions. If you’re feeling disgusted and ashamed by the grotesque thing looking back at you, then resolve to get real about fitness. Height is impossible to alter for instance, but a fat gut isn’t. Hit the gym or start running, and stick to it.
A bad scar?… consider a tattoo to cover it. Bad skin?… see a dermatologist, mine got rid of my Rosacea and my Rudolph the red nose. They can also quickly freeze off moles and crap like that with a little liquid nitrogen. It’s fun. Gorilla boy?… buy a body trimmer ($20 bucks) or get it lasered off. Do something about your back and shoulders especially because a lot of women are grossed out by too much fur in these particular spots. Think your friends are likely to consider you gay? So when’s the last time they helped you get laid?
Teeth like grandpa McCoy?… hit the dentist (and it may cost you if you’ve neglected them for long). Wardrobe resembling something from an old episode of Green Acres?… upgrade! Looking like Teddy Kazinski right after they pulled him out of the woods?… get a real hairstyle. And lose the wildman beard while you’re at it. Incidentally, beards are a form of psychological mask – guys who are ashamed to show their face tend to wear them (I wore one for 16 years throughout my 20’s and 30’s, and I know I’m nuts. So there.) Perhaps that’s why many religions require them for male devotees as a sign of humility before God – flawed by sin, I am not worthy to have my face seen, etc.
The Art of the Non-Issue: The Key to Sexual Self Confidence
The idea is to make these things into as much of a non-issue as you possibly can, then you’ll be on your way to freedom from these various body image problems.
I believe that another little recognized aspect of sexual confidence is humor. Humor and eroticism are linked in many exciting ways. I’m talking about developing a lightheartedness in your style that spills over into your sex life creatively. Women love the light-hearted approach in bed! It draws them in a more relaxed state within which they find it easier to orgasm. Tickling and teasing, making up kooky new positions, exploring sexy new fantasies, etc. And doing all this while being talkative and expressive at all times! Verbalization is a big deal, one that we’ll explore completely in later posts on this blog.
For now, especially if you’ve recently become lovers, you’ll want to keep the titillating surprises coming in a steady stream. Thrill her with provocative e- mails, phone calls or text messages throughout the day, or a little nasty talk whispered in public places, etc. Mental foreplay gets the erotic wheels turning in her head and creates delightful anticipation. Become skilled at teasing the onset of sexual foreplay, and then break it off… frustrate her a bit. Never let her feel too sure of what you’re about to do next. Go ahead and let the fantasies flow, express your desire for her often… make her feel as if she alone possesses a unique ability to please you. Women go crazy when they get this sense of a guy being so deeply hooked into them. But be sure to do everything in a playful manner, never with malice.
For me boredom is an absolute passion killer and the number one relationship crime. Once I get bored, I’m out of there… and it takes a woman who react’s favorably to my active imagination to prevent that from happening. Set your own standards for what you require from a sexual relationship and only veer from them if you feel she’s special in some strange way that you’ve simply got to experience.
We’ll delve into all sorts of specifics and techniques in this blog, but for now I just wanted to plant the first seeds of my philosophy in your mind. Just remember that anxiety is the spawn of a humorless approach to life, and it makes Jack a dull boy in bed. Don’t get stuck in this trap – lighten up and embrace the freedom to design your sex life the way that you want it to be.