Another one of the mental house-cleaning tasks I would suggest you perform somewhere along the line is the cultivation of a realistic self-image. Problems based on how you imagine that the rest of the world sees you will manifest themselves into all sorts of odd behaviors and neurotic personality habits that will seriously limit your social effectiveness. As a general rule, guys are usually far too hard on themselves when it comes to assessing how they look physically or are presenting themselves to the world. They’re the first ones to call themselves ‘fat’ or ugly or some other disparaging adjective, and it’s possible to take this sort of humility way too far, and that would be the point where it negatively effects your projection of male power and status.
Just as if it’s probably not wise to have too high an opinion of yourself that can’t be supported by reality, it’s equally destructive to view yourself as permanently residing in the extreme lower end of the scale as well. Far worse, actually. At least you can fool yourself into taking a few social risks here and there if you’re working with an inflated ego – but a deflated one gets you absolutely nowhere. With women, in the business world, or anywhere else for that matter.
My own self-image sucked for a long time all throughout my 20’s and early 30’s, and it turned out to be a self-imposed handicap that was needlessly and tragically borne. I was too short, too ugly, losing my hair, blah-blah. You know the drill. The constant barrage of self-inflicted mental putdowns weighed down my confidence to the point of complete social inaction. That’s the hellborn place where you give up… where you surrender all hope of success and stop making any further effort – because you’ve established an internal belief that no matter what you do, various indelible components of your physical / mental make-up will conspire to destroy your efforts anyway. So why even try? This is a bad place, a state of hopelessness. It lays down the framework for what psychologists call ISI, Inadequate Self Image. A fancy clinical way of describing a person who’s view of himself is mis-matched negatively with the way others view him. Too hard on himself, too critical, too demanding of impossible performance standards, etc.
I personally believe this ISI is a manifestation of a more pervasive form of self-hatred. ISI contains a component of arrogance as well – this notion that I can hold such high performance standards for myself in terms of looks, accomplishments and social magnetism that no one, not even myself, can meet them. Followed to its logical conclusion, this would mean that a lot of other people also don’t make the cut either, but they have the audacity to make something of themselves anyway – by cheating!… by believing themselves to be better than they actually are. By not allowing themselves to be handcuffed by the same ultra-high standards that are holding you back.
That’s okay though, because thinking in this manner has the side benefit of providing a twisted justification for your own self-loathing and thus provides you with a feeling of false superiority! You’re better than everyone else because you at least have the nobility to recognize and honor your own inadequacies. Now you get to hate yourself and every one else too… what a great deal! Isn’t it cool how we can work some dinky little 5% payoff into whatever sort of mental prison that we create for ourselves? Ya gotta love the human mind… a work in progress we are indeed. Far from complete.
Anyway, I was able to eventually bootstrap myself out of this repeating loop of madness by deciding to substitute self-acceptance for self-castigation. That was the big mental leap for me – this overriding idea that it was okay just to be me rather than longing to be something I had no hope of ever becoming. I re-set my targets for personal accomplishment into the range of the possible rather than the impossible. I decided to open my mental prison cell and give myself parole.
And you can do it too. We’re all the same basic arrangement of carbon atoms after all. I’ve identified three steps to make embracing this process for yourself a painless and straightforward deal, here they are:
1) Change what you can.
Do a ruthlessly honest re-assessment of yourself. One thing you may discover is that your look is way overdue for a clean-up and style upgrade. I’m not going to harp on basics like taking a shower or figuring out how to unscrew the lid off a bottle of mouthwash… you can’t possibly be that far gone. But if you are, then skate over to www.scrubmynuts.com and get a clue about personal hygiene, wouldja? To quote Dean Wormer from the movie Animal House: “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” To which I would add “…or smelling like a farm animal.”
What most guys will mostly need is an upgrade to their hairstyle and wardrobe. In a word, make it all current. Burn those shitty department store, middle-aged-man checkered shirts and get some stylish clothes. Pick up a few men’s magazines like GQ and Playboy and Maxim or whatever and use them for some starting ideas. Take a woman shopping with you (even your sister if that’s all you can scare up) and let her design a new look for you. Chicks love to blow an afternoon doing shit like this, their pupils begin to dilate as if they took a needleful of china white as soon as you pull into the mall parking lot for christsakes! Just be sure that whatever you end up buying fills these two requirements: 1) It’s something you are comfortable wearing and won’t feel like a fool walking around in (get a casual look and then something more dressy for going out), and 2) make sure that it’s age appropriate. Turn that ballcap around you thirty-something yo-yo, you’re not fooling anyone anymore. Liberate that fucking bald spot! 😉
The other part of the equation is your head… hairstyle and facial hair primarily (and maybe also trade in those uncleanable, scratched-up glasses for a set of contacts or a lazik correction?). Still walking around with that Joe Dirt mullet? Naughty naughty, silly boy. A shaved “Kojak” head will get you farther nowadays. And that thick black moustache reminds me of the second guy from the left in the Village People line-up… you know, the one with the chaps and the ass cutout? Naturally, whatever sort of hirsute surgery you end up doing to yourself, you’ll have to take into account your own cultural specifics depending on what part of the world you happen to be living in. You know what to do. It’s called letting go of the past and getting on with life. Think of it as a refreshing change of pace for your tired old self. And you’ll love the sudden attention you’ll be getting from ze chicks!
And finally, hit the gym and lose the spare tire. I did it and I’m an old fart. You can too. This makes you feel great along with boosting your testosterone and sex drive – which translates into an aggression with the ladies that they dig seeing from guys! You won’t believe it until you try it. Even if you still have little stick-man arms and was the guy who spent his entire high school career being stuffed in lockers, you’ll look more cut and it will improve the way you carry yourself. And, as an added benefit, you might not be so afraid to bust some prick in the chops next time you get in a pissing contest instead of backing down like a beta-male little girl! Male status is calibrated in such ways, gentlemen.
2) Mask what you can’t.
Things that really bother you about your personal appearance like your height, for instance, are physically impossible to change. So I developed a mental truce with my own limited stature that allowed me to mostly ignore it. This would be the same with something like the basic shape of your face or whatever. What else can you do? Realizing that you can’t be everything to everyone is the key. It’s like selling any product… this blog for instance. As much as I would like to sell a copy to every human on earth, I know that it appeals only to a certain niche segment of the market… guys who are having romantic trouble with women which stems from their inability to either meet them or coerce them into intimacy beyond the early dating stage. To most people, this stuff is of no real interest because their romantic situation is either settled or they’re too young or old to care anymore. Or they’re women and this blog is targeted at men, etc. So I can only write a post, any post, to appeal to a certain thin slice of humanity. One slice at a time.
What I’m trying to say is that nothing and no one has universal appeal, it just doesn’t happen. And it’s the same with personal appeal too – our charm only works on certain individuals no matter how hard we tap dance for them. We cannot be universally liked by everyone! It just isn’t possible because there are a wide range of body styles, and most people are only attracted to certain types of them. Some of you guys like your women short and busty for instance, others go for the tall flat-chested look. Well, women have a similar range of likes and dislikes in men’s bodies as well – which means that all types have some appeal to somebody!
Your task is to dispense with the arrogance of striving for universal appeal – which is an inhuman requirement designed only to cement your feet to the ground socially as part of your program of self-hatred – and realize that you do appeal to some small (or large) niche of women… whatever you happen to look like.
Your job is to seek out these individuals… and present them with the opportunity to get to know you!
3) Develop a Theme for yourself and SELL it wherever you go.
Use your new-found self-acceptance to model a theme for yourself that will appeal to some niche of women, regardless of who they happen to be. I go into this idea in more detail in the next section, so I’m not going to elaborate on it right now. Just know that your look ties together with your personality to create a theme for yourself that works quietly to either intrigue women, or turn them off.
As long as we’re on this subject of self-image and getting real, allow me to dramatize the essentials of the whole High Status Male (HSM) vs. Low Status Male (LSM) thing for you with a quick theoretical example…
Silly Sally is checking out two guys across the room who visually appear pretty much the same to her, Alpha and Beta. There’s no way she can tell who has the bigger bank account, the more grandiose accomplishments in life, the more rockin’ career path or the better lifestyle to offer her. What Silly needs is a clue to make this assessment deep inside her little chick brain. Both guys check her out. Nice ta-ta’s, they think. Alpha makes eye contact, fires off an easy smile, and then walks over and says hello and kids around with her a bit. No big deal… to Alpha. But to Beta such an act is a huge deal. You see, Beta can’t quite bring himself to go after what he desires the same way that Alpha does, so he loses out quite a bit. But there’s more to this story.
Silly Sally still has no factual information about the qualities of either guy that I described above, but she now thinks Alpha’s probably the “hotter” of the two, and here’s why: the high status male is conditioned to victory in many aspects of his life – and therefore his actions and attitude signals an easy confidence in taking a risk. Easy confidence.
Since Beta typically has experienced far less success in his efforts, he’s more likely to hang back in the weeds and wait for things to clearly break his way before taking action. But that doesn’t always happen because life refuses to serve up the goods so easily sometimes. It makes you dig them out for yourself. That’s just the way it is.
So Beta’s “holding back” behavior creates a visible signal that suggests he’s not been very successful at making his own breaks in the past.
But here’s the kicker: the reality of Alpha and Beta’s true situations could be exactly the opposite of what it appears. Since neither is likely to approach her open bank-book in hand, Silly has no way of knowing what the score is between these to for a fact. The only thing she has to go on is a read of Alpha & Beta based on their outward behavior towards her. Nothing else. That’s why image and actions need to be managed carefully and not allowed to run wild. We’ll get into this idea further in later sections Innate talents which allow you to simulate Alpha-type behaviors that trigger attraction in women stem mostly from your own sense of what’s possible for you to realistically accomplish. Women clue in on certain things about you in order to make a personal judgment of your “hotness”. These clues take the form of behaviors in yourself – a willingness to make and maintain good clean eye- contact for instance, one dumb joke that you cringe at but she happened to think was actually funny, even just a desire to play the game and flirt with her can be enough to set her off… regardless of any clumsy effort on your part. Sometimes you float the ball up in the air trying to avoid a sack and you get picked off for a touchdown the other way. Hey, it happens.
But sometimes… one of your own receivers gets himself under it on the fly and catches all the defenders flat-footed. See ya in the end zone!
Women color their hair, lay on the makeup, pump up their tits with pure silicone and wear high heels that make their calves and asses pop out just the way we like them. It’s all an illusion designed to signal men of their desirability. We do the same thing, only differently. Guys develop a style and theme and wear an attitude or an “air” about them that suggests they are conquerors of life rather than its victims. See, it’s all an illusion. Everything we do on both sides of the ball in this game of romance is a grand illusion. And you can play too!
All you have to do is pull your head out of your ass and get busy creating an illusion for yourself that most women will likely dig. Get busy.
Dealing With Severe Shyness
This may be a possible side-issue for you that can totally smash all your social hopes and dreams, so I’m going to take a few pages to address it now even if a major case of shyness is not your particular problem. I know this will be of help to many of you guys though.
I used to be painfully shy at one point early in my life, so I know what a crushing burden it can be. It’s perfectly natural and normal to sometimes feel a little bit unsure of how our actions are being observed and possibly judged by others, but true shyness is a painfully self-focused sensation where you feel as if you are being exposed to the critical scrutiny and judgement of everyone else all of the time, relentlessly. Shyness is a cautionary mode we retreat into whenever we have insufficient data about the individuals surrounding us, or are overly concerned about how we are appearing to them. This is especially true when men find themselves in the presence of beautiful, intimidating women.
First, you should understand why you need to make every effort to avoid acting shy whenever you can, and I’m not just talking about trying to pick up women but everywhere and all the time. The reason why shyness is destructive to your chances for pursuing social opportunities may seem obvious, but the true reason may actually surprise you…
Most people simply don’t like shy people. Why? Because they will usually begin to empathize with a shy person’s visible discomfort… and then they will begin to unconsciously mirror it!
See, when you act shy in front of another person your behavior has the effect of drawing up that person’s own innate shyness and bringing it to the forefront of their consciousness. In effect, you are a walking, talking “shyness
trigger” for other people! And because they get such an unpleasant feeling whenever they’re around the painfully shy, they would simply rather avoid such individuals entirely. You may’ve thought that shyness was strictly your own internal problem – but this unintentional ability of yours to broadcast your shyness to others makes it really more like a case of emotional bad breath! It’s causing you to be avoided.
Possibly because of your intense inward focus you never noticed this phenomenon before, but it is real and can actually be turned to your advantage. Here’s an experiment to prove it: catch a person’s eye and immediately do something such as smile, wink, point at them, salute… whatever. Nine times out of ten they will instantly — without even thinking about it — do the exact same thing right back at you! That’s mirroring in action. Pretty cool, eh?
It’s also possible to use this effect to distract yourself from your own shyness. Here’s how: whenever you encounter someone, instead of being so self-conscious simply focus all your thoughts on control, but not on controlling yourself… on controlling them. You can compel someone’s mood to be bright and outgoing by modeling that type of behavior for them – rather than nudging them towards discomfort by surrendering to your shyness. It’s all up to you – you are in control!
Look, you don’t need years of therapy to uncover all the terrible causes of your shyness. Who cares about the reasons anyway? It’s just a repeat behavior that you’ve learned to re-loop endlessly in social circumstances, and all you really need do is replace it with something better.
So why not this?… instead of focusing on your own discomfort, focus on being the “puppetmaster” instead!
Whenever you meet a girl who would normally intimidate you for instance, repeatedly think to yourself “…don’t let her go shy, don’t let her go shy… keep her mood upbeat and extroverted…” Concern yourself with what’s going on in her head, not yours. Model the emotional states you want reflected back towards you. Concentrate your energies and actions on deliberately showing off the kind of easy-going behavior that you would like your puppet to display. One of the big obstacles to dealing naturally with others is focusing too much attention on how they are making you feel instead of worrying about how you are making them feel. Flip the equation around, do it today. Try it.
This ability – this capacity to make others feel good about themselves – is the very definition of charisma. Loved, powerful, important, smart, respected, valued… people are starved to feel in these ways! Be aware of the influence that you can have on others. If you can dole out the good vibes they crave in some small measure, they will follow you around like lost puppies!
People will go off and gladly die for kings-queens-generals-dictators and so on, simply because these individuals have a keen understanding of the power born of creating good feelings in populations of people on a massive scale. Go read a history book if you don’t believe me, it’s full of examples. One great example of the power of charisma that comes to mind is former president Bill Clinton — his personal charisma and good humor took him right through to the U.S. Presidency and kept him there for 8 years despite being despised by his political enemies even to the point of being impeached. Even the chubby interns couldn’t keep their hands off him!
Mr. Charisma & The Power of a Solid Self Image
Here’s a quick story to help illustrate the power of a solid self-image. I had a close personal friend in high school who possessed natural charisma in spades. He was tall and handsome, played football and always had a girlfriend (the girls loved him!). This was the kind of guy who was in the top “clique” in high school and moved around essentially like royalty. He was also the kind of guy who could have easily busted on the surrounding nerds and no one would have thought it unusual.
But here’s what makes this story cool… he never once acted mean or demeaning towards anyone. In fact, my friends’ behavior was just the opposite of the typical prick who drew a genetic free lunch and cruised through his teen years. He seemed to make a special effort to reach out and befriend those “lower class citizens”. I even saw him jump in and protect some of these nerds when dudes were ragging them out or trying to make them look like fools in front of girls. No one messed with my buddy — he had a fairly advanced belt in Kung Fu
(hey, it was the big “in vogue” martial art to know back in the 70’s!) and he wasn’t afraid to use it when pressed. The most amazing part is that he never expected anything in return from these beta males. It was just how he was brought up to be… a character guy, even as a kid.
Well let me tell you, by senior year this guy oversaw an entire legion of nerds who would’ve gladly laid down their life for him! Just a simple act of kindness here and there was enough to build goodwill that would last a lifetime (and who knows where all those connections might one day lead? Last I heard, he’d left a plum corporate job to partner up with a friend from high school who was running a multi-million dollar business. One of his “nerd” buddies you think?). It will be amazing to see how many people show up at my good friend’s funeral someday (hopefully far, far in the future). You’ll probably think the King of Siam himself died!
The point is that anyone can concoct a little bit of this magical stuff for himself even if you’re not star quarterback material. The projection of charisma is far more a psychological deal than it is dependent upon some physical quality that you may or may not possess (shit, Hitler was certainly no GQ model!). Just a little timely friendliness when needed, a sympathetic ear lent here or there – and before long you’ll have a little following of friends who dig hanging out with you. And who knows… some of them may even turn out to be mighty cute!