Why Meeting Women Is Hard For Many Men
The sole reason for feeling like a total wussy for not approaching a woman, and then beating yourself up about it afterwards, is a LACK OF CONFIDENCE.
It’s feeling insecure in the presence of women or during confronting situations, but it’s also a mistake in the way you think about yourself, the world, and women. Allow me to explain…
The biggest mistake men make is how far their lack of confidence actually goes.
One of the basic human drives is seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. The things we’ve been doing over and over feel the most comfortable and safe to do, which is why most people keep on doing them.
The collection of the things we feel comfortable doing is called our “Comfort Zone”…
Because everything we do OUTSIDE of this little bubble of ours feels unsure, unsafe, and uncomfortable… and since we’d rather avoid pain we want to avoid risk.
That’s why it’s so hard to change habits, because they’re in the dead center of our Comfort Zone.
I’m willing to bet though that you got this ebook to make a CHANGE for the better because you’re not happy with the results you’ve been getting with women & dating.
But do you understand what this means?
It means you’ll have to step OUTSIDE of what feels comfortable, safe, and sure for you if you want to achieve better results…
Because doing what you’ve always been doing inside your little bubble will get you the results you’ve gotten so far, and those are NOT the ones you want or you wouldn’t be reading this ebook in the first place dude!
Here’s a juicy secret: the things YOU think aren’t possible to achieve are often nothing more than things that lie outside of your comfort zone. Without knowing it, you talk yourself into believing bad assumptions about the world around you that limit the success you can achieve: LIMITING BELIEFS.
If this sounds too vague, let me be a little more to the point: you screw up your chances with women because of insecurities and fears YOU create.
It’s like you’re your own worst enemy, so believe it or not… it’s time to kick your own ass! Because if you expand the limits of your self-image (your “Comfort Zone”), you expand the limits of what’s possible.
But how can you know if you still suffer from insecurities or fears and need to build your confidence?
What Is A Confident Man Anyway?
If you can’t honestly say that you can do all of the things below without feeling anxious, without hesitation, and without awkward silences… then you’ll need to start building more confidence.
That’s okay by the way, because when I first started to learn how to meet & date women I had ZERO confidence.
The 15 qualities of the confident man:
1) Feeling comfortable when you’re alone in a room or at some place with a woman you think is attractive
2) Acting in the same way at a birthday, a party, etc. with your friends or family when an attractive woman you don’t know is there
3) Not becoming jealous or losing control of any other emotion when a woman talks about another man or mentions her ex
4) Not losing the control over your emotions when a woman says something you don’t like or criticizes you
5) Not getting carried away in other people’s emotions, especially those of women. Example: not end up feeling negative when she feels bad, because you’re in complete control of your emotions and other people’s emotions can bring you down.
6) Not hesitating when you see an attractive woman and want to approach her, because when you want to approach her you just go ahead and do it
7) Not “over-thinking” what you’re going to say to a woman you want to talk to because you’re not worried about what she’ll think of you
8) Not needing looks, money, clothes, power, fame, an important job, or any other crutches for confidence or to be able to “get the girl”
9) Not fearing you will lose a woman as soon as you’ve been on a date with her or ended up being in a relationship with her
10) Not feeling unworthy of a woman’s time, love, or attention
11) Not losing control over your emotions or feeling insecure when someone, and women in particular, complain about how you haven’t done something or haven’t provided them with something (like a drink at the local club or bar)
12) Not worrying about whether or not you’ll be able to satisfy a woman’s needs, whether it’s mentally, emotionally, or sexually
13) Not feeling worried, insecure or the need to chase her around to “keep her” when a woman doesn’t reply as fast as she usually does or can’t see you when she usually does…
14) Not losing control of your emotions and getting angry when a woman doesn’t get back to you and not almost stalking her with emails/phone calls/text messages about why she didn’t reply, who she’s with, where she’s been, etc.
15) Not trying to get back your ex back “by any means necessary” by chasing her around which only makes her run away from you more and more because you’re such a desperate little wussy
Here’s the bad news: only a handful of men can truly say they possess all the qualities of the confident man, while most guys suffer from the FEAR OF REJECTION, the FEAR OF FAILURE, and INSECURITIES such as being overweight, becoming bald, wearing glasses, and so on.
Here’s the good news: if you belong to the 99% of the men who still have some wussy in them, I can help you permanently change that…
And it’s important that you start working on improving yourself or it’ll be like I said earlier on: keep doing what you did and get the same result you got.
You don’t want those same results as before or you wouldn’t read this ebook right now, so make a commitment to improving yourself. No excuses. Do it.
A Man’s Gotta Do What A Man’s Gotta Do
What you have to realize first though, is that you need to stop being apologetic. Stop saying sorry for being a man, stop feeling ashamed of displaying “typical male traits” such as dominance, being territorial, and being aggressive in defending what you have and getting what you want.
Men are way too self-conscious when it comes to approaching women: “yeah but what if she finds out I’m only talking to her because I want to have sex with her?” My answer: so??
Newsflash: men are supposed to meet & date woman or our species would simply not survive. From a genetic point of view we’re here to reproduce.
If your father wouldn’t have successfully approached a woman, YOU wouldn’t be here today.
If HIS father wouldn’t have successfully approached a woman, HE wouldn’t be here today…
And so forth.
But what do men do?
Guy A: “hey there! How are you? What’s your name?”
Girl X: “I’m doing fine, I’m waiting for my boyfriend!”
Guy A: “SORRY, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend!”
Men actually say sorry for doing what men are genetically supposed to do: meet, date, mate… but why?
To show you how ridiculous that is, I always use my lion metaphor:
Lions, proud looking creatures that have featured in many films, hunt their prey on the plains of Africa. They have to if they want to survive: they need to feed and for that they need to kill. It’s them or the gazelle… survival of the fittest.
Does the lion sit down and contemplate whether or not it’s “ethical” to approach a gazelle? Does he worry about what the gazelle will think when it understands he’s approaching to eat?
Hell no… it does what it needs to do, and so should you. Stop saying sorry for what you’re supposed to do, for what every man would do if they were you and had a chance of “getting the girl”.
What’s more… women EXPECT you to approach them with a sexual interest and they WANT to be seduced.
Everyone who has a need can be seduced, because they’re automatically attracted towards the person or situation that can fulfill their needs.
Someone who’s completely happy with where they are, who they are and where they want to be can’t be attracted because there’s simply no value you can add to her life.
But almost everyone on the planet has a need, and what’s wrong with making a woman happy by fulfilling her needs and thereby fulfilling yours?
So do what a man’s gotta do.
There’s another big limitation for men that prevents them from getting the results with women they want.
Hell, it’s closely related to stopping with being apologetic. What is it? The fear of criticism.
You see, most men (and people in general) decide what they will and won’t do/say based on what other people will think of them.
Simply put: people subconsciously try to avoid getting other people’s disapproval. All this is, is a survival instinct.
When humans still lived in tribes on the plains of Africa thousands of years ago, guys better made sure the tribe liked what they did and said or they would be kicked out.
Being kicked out of the tribe meant being on your own in a world filled with wild beasts, Mother Nature, hostile tribes, and other dangers. Chances of survival when flying solo were practically zero.
Do you see why getting other people’s approval was important back then?
But now? Nothing happens when Cindy is jealous when she sees you talking to Stacy. And even if she starts gossiping and Stacy hears horrible stuff about you, you can still meet Susan from that other town.
See where I’m going with this? Not getting people’s approval doesn’t equal death anymore. Meanwhile, you still care just as much about approval. Too much.
The result: you become a product of your environment, because you do and say everything your environment would approve of and you avoid what it doesn’t like.
This KILLS your confidence, because you’re not in control of your own life.
Plus, how you feel and how you feel about yourself is based on other people’s opinions and feelings. Opinions and feelings can change faster than the weather, so your confidence will be very fragile at best.
Improving your confidence and staying confident means getting rid of your fear of criticism. It means that your environment becomes a product of you.
When you stop caring about how people react, you will regain control over more areas of your life. More control means self-empowerment, and self- empowerment means more confidence.
Here’s more proof, in case you have doubts about whether you should stop caring about what other people think of you:
What’s the most attractive type of guy on the planet for women? The bad boy. What’s the most recognizable trait of the bad boy?
He doesn’t give a f*ck about what other people think.
Hell, when others say or do stuff he doesn’t like he probably punches them in the face… and he goes ahead and does it anyway.
Do you want to be one of the most attractive types of guys on the planet? Yes? Then stop caring dude!
“Yeah but Jack is the most popular guy in town and he says I’m a loser!”
Who cares? There are plenty of other towns and Jack isn’t the master of your universe.
And besides, let’s see if people believe in gossip when you laugh at them when they ask you about a rumor that criticizes you…
Nope, because THEY still care about other people’s approval and change their behavior when they notice it isn’t approved.
Don’t let this be you. Let it be them. Stop fearing criticism and start following your own path, no matter what others say about the path you’re following.
Make your environment a product of you and not the other way around. You can only do that and truly be 100% in control of your life if you refuse to be driven around in life by other people’s opinions, push the driver out the car, and start driving yourself.
I own a drivers license for many years now, but when will you? 😉
This RUINS Your Chances With Women
Now we got worrying about whether or not women or on to you and your sexual interest when you approach them out of the way, it’s time to look at the SERIAL KILLER of your chances with women: the limiting belief.
Limiting beliefs are treacherous little bastards because they creep up on you. You try to start a conversation with a woman in a bar. Result: rejected.
You approach another one. Rejected. You try approaching a woman in the supermarket. No luck. You can’t get her phone number at work. Damn it!
After only a few of these experiences, you STOP thinking there’s something wrong about what you’re doing… and you START thinking that there’s something wrong with who you are.
You attach your self-worth to the desirable outcome, with disastrous consequences: you become cautious, are too careful when taking action, get more poor results because of it… and it reinforces your limiting belief!
You become insecure about the things about yourself you’re the least happy with and insecurities are born, while they really are nothing more than bad assumptions.
– Women are repulsed by me because I’m bald
– Women are repulsed by me because I’m overweight
– Women are repulsed by me because I’m poor
Inside their book Mind Lines, Michael Hall and Bobby Bodenhamer give us a number of questions that FORCE us to reframe the limiting belief and to see it for what it really is: a bad assumption, a load of crap we need to get rid of a.s.a.p. I highly recommend you check it out.
For now, I’ll use the limiting belief above about being bald to show you how these questions work. Afterwards, I want YOU to take a piece of paper and a pen (or open a Word file) to write down your own limiting belief.
There are always 2 components to a limiting belief:
– The action or state of being that causes a negative feeling (example of a state of being: being bald). This is called the external behavior.
– The feeling itself is called the internal state (example: women feel repulsed)
Now let’s take a look at the questions with the being bald example. I answered them to give you an idea of in what direction the questions want to point you.
And when you do this exercise yourself? You fill in your own insecurity. Example: with the Allness example (number one below), you would fill in this as your question if you’re insecure about wearing glasses:
“Do you think every guy with glasses in the history of the planet spent his whole life without finding one woman who likes him?”
And then you answer it.
So, let’s take a look at the reframing questions and example answers if I would be insecure about going bald:
1) Allness – Do you think that every bald guy in the history of the planet spent his whole life without finding one woman who likes him?
“Off course not, duhhh. Even abusive egomaniacs with a drugs problem that are absolutely unfaithful to a woman can get the girl. They’re called rock stars. So why would women dislike me because of a little less hair?”
2) Outcome – what will happen with the amount of success you’ll have when you keep living with this limiting belief? What will your life be like in 10 years? And in 20?
“The amount of success I’ll have if I keep thinking bald men can’t get women will be really low, because I’ll talk myself down, I’ll get insecure even if I get a woman to go out on a date with me. I’ll probably retire and die all alone if I keep believing this.”
3) Reframe the external behavior – some women find bald men to be sexy, so why don’t you shave your head, grow a goatee, and become a chick magnet?
“Now that you mention it, it’s true! Bruce Willis went bald, Eddie Murphy too, John Travolta in that From Paris With Love Movie as well, etc.”
4) Reframe the internal state – it’s not because women don’t like you, it’s that you don’t get their attention the first time around. They don’t care either way (which is a GOOD thing)
“Maybe you’re right… because why would a woman dislike me when she doesn’t even know me?”
5) Counter-example – can you think of a time when a women DID like you? Or can you think of an example of a woman who liked a bald guy?
“Yes! Bruce Willis is an example of a bald guy who got the girl: he got Demi Moore out of it.”
6) Chunk down – how does the exact sequence work where a woman goes from not knowing you… to not liking you because you’re bald, without you having anything to say about it?
“It can’t happen… I will have to say something bad that insults her or do something that’ll ruin her day before a woman will hate me. I decide what I do and say so no, I always have a say about how a woman will think of me.”
7) Model of the world – you have quite an interesting way to give things more meaning than they actually have! Did you know where you got this map for “1 situation of a woman not liking me equals ALL women not liking you”? Did you know that most people don’t walk around with a map like that to torture themselves? Because the map is not the territory, and it never can be exactly like the territory because you would have to make a map as BIG as the territory to include every little detail. And that’s the whole point: a limiting belief is a flawed map of the territory of life..
“You got a point there! There a 3 billion women on the planet, and even if only 10% of those were of my age group (300 million), only 10% of those, in turn, were available (30 million), and of those 30 million only 10% would be my type? I still have 3 million women to choose between all over the planet, and 5 or 10 or 1000 women doesn’t equal all those 3 million women hating my guts. I should stop making a rule out of the exception!”
8) Identity – how interesting that you’re identity is so dependent on behavior. Do you always IDENTIFY people with their behaviors? Do you really think people are their behaviors, while they act differently when they’re mad, when they’re sad, when they’re drunk?
Is someone who becomes aggressive after having too many drinks an aggressive person? Of course not! So don’t identify yourself with your behaviors or other people’s behaviors…
“So what you’re saying is… if she acts pissed off when I approach her, it’s not because I’m bald. It could be because she has a bad hair day, her period, didn’t have much sleep last night, just had a fight with her parents, etc.”
9) Have-to – how would it feel if you stopped considering whether a woman would like what you’re doing or not? What would happen if you stopped caring about that? Would it allow you to feel more comfortable? Would it allow you to be yourself more?
“Yes it would! So I should stop caring less about what women think or say about what I’m doing because it would make me feel more confident and comfortable.”
10) Ecology – how would this belief help other people who are just starting to learn how to meet and date women? Would you recommend them to have this belief installed on their hard drive, because it will allow them to achieve success faster, more comfortably and with positive feelings? Does this belief empower your actions or LIMIT them?
“It doesn’t empower my actions at all; it severely limits them which is exactly why I need to stop believing that women don’t like me because I’m bald!”
Technique #1: now write down your own external behavior and internal state to make your limiting belief, and then go through these 10 reframing questions one by one.
Take your time to do it and you’ll learn a whole lot from it. When possible, get a friend to do this exercise with you because you’ll have different insights on both of your beliefs.
I’ve done this exercise many, many times… once a week I would confront my limiting beliefs one by one until there were none left.
I’ve had amazing and consistent success with women because of having no limits in my life anymore, and so can you if you use these 10 simple reframing questions to improve your own life as well.
No More Fear Of Rejection!
I like where this is going: we kicked some what will they think AND some insecurity but, now it’s time to get down to business and see what the FEAR OF REJECTION and the FEAR OF FAILURE are all about.
They’re two of the last obstacles to overcome if you want to be better at approaching women.
Brian Tracy talked about both of these fears in-depth in his super good book The Psychology of Achievement. I highly recommend you read it.
He talks about how when we are growing up, so during our formative years, the people we look up to the most and who are our be all, end all… are our parents.
Getting their approval, love, and attention is all that matters to us. And mind you, during the formative years we’re highly impressionable so any habit we will be programmed with will stay with us for life.
And one of the most cruel things that can happen to us and which scars us for life is experiencing conditional love: when we obey, when we listen, and when we’re quiet we are loved by our parents…
But when we’re too busy to their taste, don’t listen immediately and don’t obey or don’t obey immediately? Our idols get angry and sometimes even punish us while we don’t really understand what we’re doing wrong and right at that time…
And that’s why we start to fear the WITHDRAWAL of love: we’re scared that we haven’t met the conditions for receiving love and attention, because no parent ever told us that we would be loved no matter what we would do or be… they gave as conditional love instead of unconditional love.
THAT’S where the fear of rejection comes from: it’s the fear that we won’t meet the requirements for being liked or being loved and that we could end up getting hurt because of it.
This negative habit pattern that gets programmed into our minds will slowly but surely make you feel really uncomfortable as soon as you’re not SURE of meeting those requirements to be loved, in fact, it could lead to you feeling unworthy of all love: thinking you’ll NEVER meet the requirements.
It’s the #1 reason for men to never approach a woman, but it’s silly when you think about it. You’re worried about meeting someone else’s requirements, how someone else values you…
And yet you attach your SELF-worth to getting the outcome you want?
How she values you is HER worth, but your self-worth is the value you decide to give to your damn self… she has nothing to do with it, so why let your self-worth suffer from her worth?
Do you also do that with opinions… that if someone else has a different opinion than yours, your opinion automatically sucks?
No? I thought so.
Now you know how ridiculous letting someone else decide your worth really is. We aren’t in the Middle Ages anymore dude, you can’t buy people and ship them to a foreign country anymore… they determine their own value now.
And then there’s the FEAR OF FAILURE… thinking you’ll never get the digits to call her and ask her out on a date.
One of the first things we learn from our parents in our formative years is: “Don’t go there”
“Don’t do it, it’s dangerous!”
“Don’t talk to strangers!” And so forth…
In other words: we’re continually warned about possibly dangerous or risky situations and over time this develops into a full blown negative habit pattern…
Meaning that we start to AVOID unknown or new situations altogether because we think their outcomes could be dangerous…
And as such, whenever we DO go right ahead and try something new, try something that we’re not sure about or where the outcome is unpredictable?
We FEAR that we won’t avoid danger and get the outcome that we want… and THAT’S all what the fear of failure is. It’s noticing your acting outside of your Comfort Zone.
Meanwhile the world really does belong to the bold, because failure is not the END of anything, it’s part of the learning process.
Think about it: you make a mistake, correct your course accordingly, you try again, make another mistake, and you correct course until you get it right… so a mistake, or “failure”, is actually FEEDBACK…
Because the more you fail, the faster you will learn because you can figure out where things went wrong and then correct course faster than everybody else…
Which is exactly why you should try to fail as fast as possible whenever you try to learn something!
Here’s a short example straight from college: remember when you had that important language exam, messed up, saw what you did wrong later on, and never did it wrong again in future exams? There’s your proof right there!
You can use rejection in much the same way: she turned me down because of …? And it’s temptive to think “because I suck” but if you think it’s hard to find your feedback then chunk stuff down just like with reframing…
How was your body language when you walked up to her? How did you say what you said first? What was she doing when you approached her, did you rudely interrupt her during a conversation or was she hanging out in the lounge all bored? Did you need more topics to talk about? Etc.
That’s how I analyzed what I was doing wrong and right with women 5 years ago when I wanted to learn. And be honest about yourself man, because I criticized myself to death and was seeking fault in almost every situation, which made me learn from EVERY situation!
Technique #2: FEEDBACK. Next time after you go clubbing, sit down and chunk down what you did during each conversation and try to give yourself as much feedback as you possibly can. See the sample questions above for ideas. Say your body language totally sucks, then Google for body language and try to learn a thing or two, apply them next time… and do that for all your “weak areas.”
Did your improvements work? With both yes and no, search more about it and you’ll learn more about it.
The results of using this simple technique have been quite amazing for me and I’m sure they’ll BLOW YOU AWAY.
Because of getting feedback, you’ll learn more from the times you did stuff wrong (a “fail” and a “rejected”) then when you did something right. The result: you’ll attach WAY LESS value to both of these fears because they’re now actually helping you!
Something I myself have used a lot of times as well to STOP caring so much about getting a woman’s number and to START caring more about having fun… is seeing the bigger picture.
What most men do when they think of the outcome they want is: I want to get her phone number, I want to go out on a date with her… and it’ll be all they think about during their conversation with a woman.
They attach massive amounts of value to those outcomes because of it, which makes you put the pressure on your own shoulders. You’ll get tense, anxious and you’ll start hesitating as soon as “the moment of truth” comes closer and closer. And it’s lame.
The Italians have this old saying that goes like this: “aim for the moon while shooting for the stars” and what it means is thinking about every outcome as another stop on your road to success that knows many stops.
When it’s time to get the number, you think about getting the date. You always think about the outcome AFTER this one.
It will make you BELIEVE you already got what you want.
Assuming attraction, so assuming that you already got what you want (that you already have her) means you’ll be more confident, more open, more social, and have more balls when you want to take action… and these qualities are ALL attractive to women.
So by assuming attraction, you actually create it! It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Technique #3: ASSUME ATTRACTION. Don’t think about how to create attraction, think about her number in your pocket. Don’t think about the phone number when you’ve got her interest, think about dating her already.
Don’t think about how to kiss her on the date, but about how she’ll chase you after 3 dates, etc.
Maybe the most important thing to know about rejection is that you need to stop being such an egomaniac. Stop making everything about you, you’re not the center of the world dummy.
Why I’m saying this? Guess what most men do? As soon as a woman says “no” or doesn’t seem to be in the mood, you act like it was because of something you did or are.
In reality, women can have a bad hair day, can have their period, can be flat broke, could be fired today, could just have a fight with one of their girls who just walked away all angry. And sometimes their friends just got them to come along while they didn’t even feel like going out.
And that’s THEIR problem. When you walk away from a woman after a “no”, you usually feel defeated, like a sucker, like your ego or feelings have just been hurt… while it’s HER problem that made her refuse.
So next time a woman rejects you, stop thinking it’s about you and make it her problem. Keep your honor and walk away with your shoulders straight and your head held high after saying:
“I understand, but it’s not my problem. If you don’t mind I’m going to go over there where the fun people are at, you have a great night now okay?”
The result: you won’t feel hurt, or irritated, or desperate, or defeated… because it wasn’t YOUR problem that she wasn’t in the mood, and that makes every time you get rejected sting a lot less than it used to.
Technique #4: KEEP YOUR HONOR and make rejection her problem. Think what could be wrong with her day: bored, broke, bad hair day, has her period, was dragged along by her friends while she didn’t want to go out, her ex just broke up with her, etc.
The fact that she doesn’t want to have fun with you is her problem, SHE’S the boring chick, you’re the cool, fun guy. Walk away after saying it’s her problem, and rejection won’t mean a thing to you.
And now for one of my favorite parts… which is about most guys not even having a freaking clue about what attraction is, let alone about how to create attraction.
Great tips, I liked the article, really need to be a confident man to seduce a woman. I felt and was quite shy, I was always the same thing a few years ago, no style, no guts and with a terrible language corpora, but over time I have learned a lot of things to become a better man. Often do not hit be a nice guy, it’s got to be an alpha male, a man confident, dominant, bold and determined, which runs after what you want. Thanks for sharing.