All seduction comes down to two simple components: excitement and comfort.
A woman does not have sex with a man unless she is excited by him. And she does not have sex unless she feels comfortable with him. Both are necessary for a successful seduction, with rare exceptions that will be discussed below.
“Excitement” means stimulation, arousal, escalation, being aggressive and pushing things forward. “Comfort” means de-stimulation, developing actual comfort, trust, de-escalation, pulling things back and giving space. The seduction process is a constant balancing act. The energy between you and the woman swings back and forth between excitement and comfort as time goes on. And both excitement and comfort get stronger and more intense as time goes on.
Excitement and comfort go from “lighter” to “heavier” as the seduction proceeds. In other words, as you spend more time with the woman and escalate and push things forward physically and emotionally, she gets progressively more excited/ stimulated/ aroused by you, and she gets progressively more comfortable/ trusting/ familiar with you as well. Eventually, the culmination of all this excitement and comfort is physical intimacy and sex.
Below is a simple table illustrating light and heavy forms of excitement and comfort.
Examples of actions, words and activities, and where they fall in excitement and comfort:
Most of seduction happens on the heavier side of the spectrum. That is also where most of the challenges and successes will become apparent.
While these are overall trends, in a given moment she will be feeling either primarily excited or primarily comfortable.
Note that while excitement and comfort operate in opposite directions, and they act on different aspects of her emotions, they do not work against each other. They are complementary and build each other up and provide space for each other. The more excitement that is generated, the more room you have created for genuine comfort to take hold. And the more comfort you have created, the more room there is for excitement to occur.
There are two broad ways of generating excitement and comfort: (1) “game”/ conversation/ escalation, and (2) status/ reputation/ power. They are not mutually exclusive, and most guys can employ both strategies to some extent. This ebook focuses primarily on the first strategy.
Generate excitement and comfort with game
I have found this simple model, far simpler than many other popular models of seduction, to be extremely effective and useful. One of the best things about simplifying seduction in this way is that it gives you flexibility to apply these principles in different ways depending on your personality, the situation, the girl’s responses and your preferred method of game. Both excitement and comfort can come in many different forms.
In verbal game, you can generate excitement by:
- Cracking jokes and being funny or humorous
- Talking about risky or unusual things that get people’s attention
- Being loud
- Teasing her
- Flirting with her
- Sexual innuendo
- Making direct sexual statements
- Direct openers
- Making physical compliments of her
- Speaking with high energy and enthusiasm
- Asking her out
- Asking for her phone number
- Disagreeing with her about something
- Pointing out differences between the two of you
- And in verbal game, you can generate comfort by:
- Getting serious and normal
- Revealing something personal about yourself
- Talking about normal, safe topics
- Agreeing with her about something
- Finding commonality and similarities between the two of you
- Being quiet and chill, not loud or attention-grabbing
- Speaking with relaxed, laidback energy
- Expressing understanding of her
- Expressing appreciation of her
- Expressing acceptance of her
- In the case of physical game, you generate excitement by:
- Getting physically close to her, closing the distance
- Holding eye contact
- Looking at her body in a sexual way
- Touching her for the first time
- Increasing the frequency of the touching
- Increasing the intimacy of the touching
- Isolating and moving to a new place
- Lifting her up
- Starting dancing with her
And in physical game, you generate comfort by:
- Moving slightly away physically, creating distance
- Breaking eye contact/ looking away
- Reducing the frequency of touching
- Reducing the intimacy of the touching2
- Staying in the same spot for a while
- Putting her down after lifting her up
- Finishing/ ending dancing
There are many other potential examples. Much of excitement and comfort is generated in the process of acting and reacting in conversation. She says one thing, and how you react will determine whether you generate excitement (by joking or teasing her for example) or comfort (by giving an honest and genuine response).
Note also that all of these examples are at different levels of intensity or “heaviness.” Touching her lightly on the shoulder for the first time generates excitement, but it is a lower level of intensity than grabbing her for a dance. Chatting about safe, normal topics facilitates comfort, but it is less comfort than what is generated by having a deep emotionally open conversation.
And remember that you can only do those “heavier” actions once enough excitement or comfort has been established with her. You can’t just go up to a girl on the street and grab her to start dancing. That is too much excitement, and too little comfort has been established so far. But you can approach her and give a compliment, that lower level of excitement will work. In the same way, you can’t walk up to a girl and immediately have a deep, soul-searching conversation with her. Not enough excitement or comfort has been established yet for that to be tenable. But it can be done later on in the process.
Both excitement and comfort are necessary to seduction. She has to feel excited and stimulated by you (emotionally and physically), and she has to feel comfortable with you (emotionally and physically).
Pre-game: Generate excitement and comfort with status
The concepts of excitement and comfort also help us understand why some men are able to seduce women very quickly and completely, seemingly without very much rapport, or without much effort in general.
It is known that men enjoying a high level of status in society (famous actors, professional athletes, prominent businessmen), or in a specific situation (bartenders, bouncers, club promoters) are more sexually desirable than lower-ranking men. Why? In the ancestral environment, a man with status and power offered protection from threats, and safety for the woman and her offspring (hence comfort). He also could provide resources, wealth, adventures and new experiences, which benefit both the woman and her offspring (hence excitement). And purely from the standpoint of physical pleasure, a powerful man is more likely to have sexual experience that enables him to give a woman satisfaction in bed.
For these reasons, a man with status can induce significant excitement and comfort in women simply by walking in the room.
For example, take a famous movie star whose face has been seen a million times on TV and in newspapers. A woman has watched movies with this man, seen TV specials about him, and read interviews with him. If one day she meets him in person, not only is it extremely exciting and stimulating (he has a seemingly superhuman amount of status, power and influence), but there is also a very strong undercurrent of comfort at work: she knows who he is, she has read about him, she has heard about his background and life story. All of the typical things that a guy would have to discuss on a first meeting or first date (or even multiple dates) so that the girl feels like she knows him, this movie star doesn’t have to worry about because millions of women already know all of that. So when they meet him in person, the familiarity and trust is already there.
If you are not an Academy Award winner, you can approximate this effect by conveying as much about your identity and personality as possible before you even open your mouth.
One way to do this is to develop a strong social circle of friends who like you and look up to you. These friends will then sing your praises to their female friends long before you meet them. Thus you become something of a “mini-celebrity,” significantly increasing the comfort and familiarity that those women feel towards you right from the start. It can also build you up in their imaginations and create anticipation, facilitating excitement when they do meet you.
(It’s not a good idea to make friends solely for the purpose of getting dates. It won’t work anyway because no one wants to be friends with a fake person. Rather, work on building a fun and enjoyable circle of friends and connections and keep women and dating in the back of your mind as an added bonus.)
Another way to do this is through your clothing. You can dress in a way that conveys a very specific identity or personality. She will see from across the room and get a sense of what you are all about long before you even approach her. But the key is that your outfit must convey a very clear, universally identifiable image. It doesn’t help to wear an item that meant something back in your small university but that nobody else in the world knows about.
It can also be exciting to her if she sees you as a particular kind of archetype. If she’s always had a thing for rocker guys, and you walk in the room in full rocker regalia, she’s going to be interested or excited before you’ve even opened your mouth. For more on style and the sexy stereotype, see Chapter 5.
Another way to increase pre-game comfort is by hanging out in places or situations where your presence says something about you. For example, if you are in a club playing a very niche kind of music, and you meet a girl there, she will automatically feel more in common with you than if she met you in the street. Other examples would be a concert, an audition for actors or theater performers, or a dance class. Even though the two of you are strangers, the simple fact that you are both there implies a certain level of commonality and therefore comfort.
Strong eye contact and the way you carry yourself can also make you more attractive and facilitate both excitement and comfort before you have approached her.3
As a general rule, meeting women through social circle connections (work, school, friends of friends, friends of your family members, neighbors, and so on) has a much higher success rate than meeting women cold, as strangers, because of the greater familiarity and comfort created by the social circle. As a stranger, you have to create that comfort from scratch, which is certainly doable, but will always be an uphill battle.4
Exceptions to the rule
It is possible to have sex with a woman without very much excitement. An excess of comfort over excitement is seen with the classic “nice guy” or a guy who is in the “friend zone.” Although he is basically a friend, sex among friends is still possible and it does happen. Once in a blue moon, he will sleep with a woman with this relationship. The kind of woman who goes for this guy is in a situation where she feels very comfortable with him, connected to him, and safe emotionally and physically.
Crucially, she does not need any stimulation or excitement in order to be intimate with him, for whatever reason. Maybe she is sick and tired of players and cads who toy with her. Maybe she is in a particularly vulnerable place in her life at that moment. It’s not impossible, but it is basically a rare phenomenon. Although the nice guy could technically sleep with women if he were to approach large numbers of them (because the success rate is so low), by definition an asexual “nice guy” tends to be a guy who does not approach women.
In the case of too much excitement and not enough comfort, this is the domain of the classic player or the slick, sexy guy who does not generate enough familiarity or connection with the girl. This is a guy who says all the right things, runs game on lots of girls, gets girls to laugh and feel kind of sexual, but without the underlying connection for her to actually take him seriously.
He might be a slick PUA, dressed impeccably well and drenched in cologne. Or he might even be a clown or a “court jester,” making girls laugh and doing goofy high-energy routines to attract attention and pump energy. Whatever the specific incarnation, there is not enough comfort to match the excitement side and he will lose a lot of opportunities. But, like the comfortable nice guy, he will still get some results. These kinds of guys usually approach large volumes of women hoping that one or two will stick. It’s not a bad strategy if you have a ton of time on your hands and have a superior level of outcome independence. It also tends to work if you do not have the highest standards for the women you sleep with, because you need so many leads to get a closed deal.
Despite these exceptions to the rule, the most consistent results will come from a solid combination of both comfort and excitement. Finding the right balance between the two that works for your personality and style is critical.
Your personal game
One of the biggest reasons why guys who try to improve with women often come away discouraged and unsuccessful is because they try to adopt someone else’s game. This is a problem for several important reasons.
Different guys have different goals. One guy might be looking for a one-night stand. You may be looking for a girlfriend. The things you talk about, the pace of escalation and other key elements will all differ depending on what you are looking for. So if you are looking for a serious relationship but you are using the techniques that someone else uses to get same night lays, you will probably fail.
Different guys have different personalities, strengths and weaknesses. What works for someone else might not work for you, even if you have the same goals. A tall good looking guy with a silky smooth voice has certain clear strengths that a short, average looking guy with a high voice does not. They will be perceived differently by women, treated differently and therefore their game has to be different. Factors like race, skin color and body type all play a role. In the same way, a guy may be good looking but dumb as a rock. In that case, verbal game will not be his strong suit. Another guy who is articulate and uses language to his advantage will succeed where the other guy fails, even if he is not as good looking.
Different approaches work in different places. What works in night game may actually be counter- productive in the daytime, and vice versa. So if you are studying a guru who has a great method that he has tested in bars and night clubs in a major city, but you prefer to meet women in shopping malls and coffee shops in the suburbs, that is a conflict.
Unfortunately, most of the pickup industry does not adequately identify these differences and what works in one situation versus another. Instead they present their methods as “how to get women,” which is the broadest, most general concept imaginable.
So instead of all that, think about your own personality, your strengths, weaknesses and where you like to spend time. If you hate loud, crowded places, then don’t go to bars and clubs to meet women. Go to quieter and more low-key places instead. If you are introverted, don’t try to mimic the game of an extrovert, no matter how successful he is. And above all, consider what exactly you are looking for, and what kind of women you really want to be in your life.5
Consider the fundamental forces of seduction—excitement and comfort—and how you can best execute these and use them to your advantage. Use the techniques and ideas in this ebook to design your own personal game and engage with women in a sexual and powerful way that is nevertheless totally congruent with your core personality and desires.
You should have a clear sense of what you want, where you want to meet women, what kinds of women you want to meet, and what you are bringing to the table. You now understand the basic outlines of how seduction works. Next comes the “tailoring” process where you fit the two pieces together. You will find the ideal middle ground between the universal patterns of seduction on the one hand, and your individual life and goals on the other.
Don’t assume the game is over once you sleep with a girl. You will still have to “game” her on some level, indefinitely, no matter how short or long the relationship lasts. Excitement and comfort will continue to be central. If at any point she no longer feels excitement from you, or she no longer feels comfort, or both, then the relationship will suffer.
Many marriages and long term relationships suffer or fail because the excitement dissipates over time and things become too comfortable. Countless couples know the feeling of being in a “routine” where nothing is surprising or stimulating anymore. Everything is just safe and soft. In this case, excitement needs to be introduced back into the mix to spice things up and stoke that desire again. Excitement can come in the form of flirting, teasing, challenging, date nights, new bedroom activities, or other measures.
This is why it’s better to focus on seduction as the cultivation and management of sexual connection (physical and emotional connection), rather than as a series of tasks you need to do to have sex.
In the long run you will find much more satisfaction in being a seducer, a man who is able to connect with women on a physical and emotional level, than in being “a guy who can get laid.” The guys who have the most sex with the best women are those who are living powerful and engaging lives, and sex is an added bonus to their overall lifestyle. They don’t focus on sex, they focus on those other things. And sex is the byproduct.
While seduction to the first sex is the most critical, you will need to continue seducing your woman over time. And she needs to keep seducing you as well (that’s for her to worry about). The best and longest- lasting relationships are those where a balance of strong comfort and strong excitement keeps renewing itself over time.