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To kick start this workshop I’m going to tell you three very simple things that ‘sexy’ isn’t to girls:
- – It isn’t porno
- – It isn’t funny
- – It doesn’t show too much investment
So when you’re trying to escalate via text I want you to apply three more golden rules:
- Don’t use explicit language (that’s anything pornographic etc) unless you’re already hooking up regularly/ you know she likes ‘dirty talk’.
- Don’t appear embarrassed or awkward about sex (girls *hate* that) by talking about it overly indirectly i.e. referencing her boobs as ‘melons’ or anything that sounds like it could have come out of a Benny Hill sketch.
- Don’t try to text escalate before you’ve managed to meet up with her in a date context at least once. If you’ve got a number from a cold approach, chatted to the girl for five minutes, it is going to seem like way too much to start sexting. You may even wind up looking like a porn obsessed school boy. Remember to be non-needy and play it a little cooler. The only exception to this is if the relationship is long distance . . . in which case get the web cam out before you hit send on an overly provocative text.
So how do you go about making things sexy?
Well first of all—just like real life—there is a stage where being more sexual via text is the right thing to do.
I’d break down how to play it into three stages of hotness:
- Pre-first date
- Post first date
- Post sex
Whilst you can introduce the topic of sex smoothly, relatively early on in a ‘real life’ conversation: I think it’s risky to do so via text. If you’ve only met her once and become too sexual too quickly it comes across that you’re ‘only after one thing’: which even if you are, you don’t want to appear desperate for sex.
Instead try to inject flirtatious banter into the interaction by using teasing texts:
You’ll have to try harder than that . . .
By being direct when going for the date:
Let’s grab some tapas on Friday after work
By being ok to occasionally challenge her:
Not sure I do last minute changes of plan: so you’re going to have to meet me halfway as a peace offering
These are not overtly sexual: but it sets the right tone: that you’re in control, that you’re not needy and that you are ok to go after what you want. All of this will come in handy later!
Post first date
Again you don’t want to over shoot yourself here. Even if you ended up making out heavily on your first date, keep your cool. Sending a gushing, ‘it was great seeing you sexy girl’, kind of message post first date makes it sound like you were overly impressed by her.
Likewise, sometimes a girl may wonder if she’s rushed into things by making out with you: so come on too strong and you could scare her off.
So instead of talking about sex directly, I’d do three things that will turn the heat up and set you up to talk dirty after you’ve got it on in real life:
Make sure she’s compliant with you: this is where you lead and she follows. On a simple level this is setting up the dates: turn this up a notch with a ‘be early ;)’ or ‘wear heels’ kind of message though to create a more flirtatious tone.
Use sexual language out of context: you may not want to talk about sex overtly but use commanding and sexy language to add a hint of seduction to a normal exchange. Using words/ phrases like ‘bad’, ‘terrible’, ‘punish’, ‘hard’ all have a sexual vibe but can be used in a way that is indirect:
If you keep mentioning that I’m going to have to punish you.
So you’ve had a hard day? Tempted to make a rude joke over here . . . but not sure you’d appreciate it 😉
Start using MMS: getting a girl to send you a naked picture— awesome! Get her into the habit of swapping photos early on by exchanging pictures of other things. It could be a visual clue of what your next date will entail (a cocktail for example) or be a funny thing you spotted that reminded you of her. Bonus points if you can get her to start getting into the habit of sending you MMS’s:
You: Check this out *photo* my day is definitely cooler than your day x
Her: Nope I’m having more fun than you *photo*
You’ve hooked up – great! Now don’t seem weird by making sexual references straight away. Instead of making everything sexual (I always remember a girl complaining to me once about this, ‘he hasn’t had sex in the past much so now he’s after it like hot dinners’) pick your moments.
Go for an unexpected time of day: She’s sat at her desk, her boss is grumbling at her. You say:
I hope you’re wearing suspenders. Meet me after work . . .
Encourage sexy MMS swaps: You can either ask to see a picture of her (then tell her every picture that she sends that isn’t overtly sexy is ‘boring’) or you can relate it to an earlier sexy text:
I’m not sure I believe you. May require photographic evidence..
Use counter demands: If she wants you to do something for her; make sure that she does something for you. For instance if she’s tired and wants you to meet her closer to her home, tell her:
Sure—but I want some incentives . . . visual is preferred x
The idea behind all of this text escalation is the same though: it’s smooth. You don’t appear needy, you don’t appear like you’re only after one thing. Instead you play it cool, then turn the heat up in a way that makes sense in the context of both your current text exchange and your dating as a whole